I lost my girl. Because of my stupidity and my lack of understanding in the one person who really makes my world real again.. I lost her.

The story with her goes long way back. Too many stories. Too many heartbreak.

Though people would side with me, telling me that I'm not at fault, I'm the one who's totally at fault.

I knew of her problems. I knew that risk I was taking when courting her and getting into an open relationship. But in the end, I was the one who crumbled. She gave up. I pleaded but she wouldn't budge. Now, she wouldn't even talk to me.

Now I'm completely broken. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm feeling like I wasted more than 1 year of my time trying to get this girl to love me the way I do.

Now it's all gone. All in the night before I learned I was gonna lose my job..

Depression to the max

My life is turning upside down. I'm so depressed. Too many things have been happening all at the same time. And almost all of them are my fault. Right now, I hate myself, hate my life, and hate myself so much that I just want to end it all.

I tried everything just to keep myself intact but to no avail. I am slowly crumbling inside out. I have no one to talk to with my problems. And the one person I really wanted to talk to about them doesn't want to talk to me.

I am desperate for anything. I feel that if I don't do anything to help myself out, I just..

Just awhile ago, I was talking to my company doctor. I badly needed help. She then accepted my request and gave me this simple advice.

"Why don't you try writing your problems down?"

I thought about it and gave it a try.

So in the next few days, I'll be writing about everything. I hope this will give me some peace..

What's there to write about now?

Ugh, my life is so boring that there nothing to actually write about..

Well, there's one thing I guess..

I've already decided that I need to leave my current company. I just don't feel that same drive I used to have for the past 3 years. But don't get me wrong. I love my work. I love my fellow co-workers. I just don't like how the management handles everything.

Moving on I guess is the best thing to do. I've got everything planned out, even the company I'm about to get into. The thing now is the timing.

Wish me luck..

Reminiscing...

Last Friday, I went out with officemates and ex-officemates for dinner at MOA. But what made that night special was after dinner, when I was with someone whom I haven't seen or talked with for a long time.

She's not an officemate. She's someone I have met a long time ago. We've had our good and bad times and for awhile, we didn't communicate at all.

But for the first time in a long while, we were together again.

I picked her up late. I think it was around 11pm. She still looked the same as ever. Maybe a little more weight but still very pretty that made my heart skipped a beat when I saw her. As she got in the car, we greeted each other and went off.

I knew that she had work later that night but it was still early, so I invited her to drink. She agreed. I brought her to this nice little place in metrowalk. The place is nothing elegant but the mood there was perfect. And the drinks were cheap.

I ordered beer, she bottomless iced tea. We talked, making up for lost times. We told each other our sobs stories. We laughed at each other's jokes. We shared music (we have almost identical musical taste). As the night passed by, the alcohol was getting to me by the third bottle. I had to stop drinking or else, I couldn't go home. But at that time, I was feeling relaxed, very loosed. She must have felt the same too, despite not drinking.

When she leaned on me, I felt her heat. Nothing perverted. But I remember hers very well. It was something I missed for a long time. When I put my head on her shoulder, she'll put her hand over my hand, rubbing it gently.

As I brought her to her workplace, we shared a very tender hug. I guess we really missed each other that much.

These were the moments we shared when we were together, the moments that made me really happy even if it was temporary. But we both knew our situation. It may never be unless the situation changes. Even if it did, it doesn't mean it can happen.

But for both of us, it didn't matter..

It's really hard to pursue something that's not even making an effort to do something for you. No matter how hard you try, even the other person does not exert even just a tiny amount of effort, it is just useless.

But is it really that impossible for the other person to see how much he/she means to you? Is it really a one way street as it is seen? Or in simpler terms, is it worth it?

When I think about my own situation, I can't help think about being so helpless. I'm like a vegetable. And no matter what I do, I have to think about the consequences.

Then someone asked me again, "Is she really that worth the price?"

Now I can't answer anymore.

15 songs I'm listening to right now..

1. Kill - Jimmy Eat World

My current fav song. Damn this song. I used to hear this band a lot but I never got to listen to their songs. I thought of them of some kind of weird looking band playing maybe some weird music. To my friend's insistence, I listened to this song...and immediately loved it! Kudos to this band for making such an incredible song.

2. The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

Last time I made a list with an artist having 2 songs in, I bundled it. I just can't do this now with this band. I've always heard this song in NU107 before and some teenager movies that I can't remember. Then one day, the same friend who told me about Kill told me to listen to this. Lo and behold! After searching for so many years what the hell the title was and who was the artist, I couldn't believe that the same band who sung my current fav song is the same band who sung this song. Talk about coincidence haha. Also for Guitar Hero addicts, this is included in one of the games and from what I heard, is one of the most played song in the game.

3. Retrace - Anberlin

Rarely has a christian rock band has moved me the same way Anberlin did. Retrace is such an awesome song that can be a love song to your loved one or a love song to God.

4. A Twist In My Story - Second Hand Serenade

Honestly, when I think about Second Hand Serenade, I remember those acoustic live acts that you can see performing in bars and stuff. In short, the same old emo thing. But this song is really really good, I tell you. It's got this thing that keeps me listening to it.

5. America's Suiteheart - Fall Out Boy

My love for Fall Out Boy hasn't faded that much, even if their latest album, Folie A Deux, fell way below my expectations. In fairness, they a couple of really nice songs there and one of those is this song. Just pure vintage FOB.

6. Monsoon - Tokio Hotel

Never heard of this band. This was just recommended by the same guy who recommended Jimmy Eat World. The singer looks like Carlito of WWE but he has this amazing voice which suits this song. Too bad this is the only song I like from them.

7. Breakeven - The Script

Ugh my heartbreak song. The Script couldn't have made a much sadder song than this.

8. Busy Bee - Ugly Kid Joe

Old school time! UKG is more famous for songs like Everything About You and Cats In The Cradle. But my favorite song from them is this. I love the part whenever the boyish female voice comes. It gives me goosbumps whenever I hear that part.

9. Valentine - Shades Apart

The band may not be around anymore, but this song brings back so much college memories haha. I like the low voice of the singer. Not exagerrated yet not too normal.

10. Moment Of Truth - FM Static

Ugh my proposal song. Though this song may have hit the jologs radio stations, I still love this song very much. The message is super sweet. If you're a guy who's about to propose to someone, try listening to this. You'll really love it.

11. Somewhere In Between - Lifehouse

This band never ceases to amaze me. I never knew that this song came from their debut album. Yes, the one with Hanging By A Moment with it. Just love this song. Love this band.

12. Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback

Haha. This gotta be my song y'all haha. For all the singles who wish to have that someone, this one is for you!

13. Easy - Faith No More

Love this song! I always go back to the days when good ol' rock and roll was awesome because sometimes, the current music ain't enough to satisfy you. Love this version though.

14. Highway Jones - Cry Of Love

This is one of the hardest to find song for me... ever! It took me years to get a copy of this song. Awesome guitar played here. It was said that while recording for Razorback's debut album, former lead axeman David Aguirre (whom I consider one of the best ever filipino guitarist) was listening to this band, trying to get their kind of guitar style. For all guitar players, this song is for you!

15. Pen And Paper - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

RJA's latest offering is this song. Just bought the cd yesterday, and I can't stop listening to this song and 2 other. But this one is my fav from the album.

New Year, New Resolutions, We'll See..

Whoa... it's been a long time since I last posted here..

Too many things have happened and so little time to talk about everything. But here's what I'll say first...

Jayne and I are at peace. It came to a shock that I never really expected her to talk to me or something. But at least, now we're talking.

Now, the question would be "So how's things between us?"

We're friends. Though it's really hard to explain but for now, we don't really want anything to happen, especially at her side. I don't really mind because I'm really into deep now because of the things I need to do in my life.

Kung maging kami, eh di ayos. But if not, at least we're friends and I think that's what's important.

For those asking for Sadat's article, I haven't finished it yet but I promise to post it in the next few articles.

Take care everyone! Ciao!

Xmas....arrrghh!!!! yeah!!! hahaha!!!

For the first time in my whole life, I've actually had the energy to do all my xmas shopping at an early time. Bought all the gift for all my nephews, neices, pamankins. Also bought a little for me, some friends, officemate... and her.

I'm almost out of money 'cause of shopping but for some reason, I'm happy. Sorry na lang for the other kids I've forgot >_< haha...

Last thursday, I went to Jayne's house to deliver her gifts. Got to talk to her mom, who was very much surprised to see me. I explained why I was there that time. It's just that I didn't want this thing anymore. The tension between me and Jayne. I wanted it to end if ever it's still possible with her. So that's why I gave her a christmas gift. Inside, I sent her a letter why I was giving something.

But I'm not expecting anything. It's just that I need to release this uneasiness in me. The guiltiness I'm feeling. If she never tried to talk to me again, I already know her answer.

But right now, I'm not sad as I'm suppose to be. :)