what now for me?

it's been 24hrs since we broke up...and awhile ago, a cloud of darkness surrounded me. i was lost...i came close to blaming myself again for losing a loved one...and i cried...

it always hurt when you lose someone you love, esp when you have so much more to give. when things end in an abrupt way, you tend to think of things...why did it have to end? what did i do wrong? what the hell went wrong?! in my case, the same thing happened. so many questions and so few answers. i desperately needed to clarify things for me to be liberated from the pain and confusion.

then i got what i needed. friends either called me up or talked to me when i was online. they comforted me, gave me advice and made me realize some things. even those i don't know even that much helped me a lot. some even said, "it's not you who's the problem. it's her. you've done what you can eggie and there's no more you should do." it took a pounding to make me realize that. but i did. and i thank my friends for giving me that.

my only regret is when ros and i got to talk again. she didn't like me posting our conversation in my blog. yet i told her to leave me alone and fix her life. now i don't know if we'll ever be in speaking terms again.

then again, ros and i have issues. issues where i don't think will be brought up again unless she brings down her pride and open her mind. i'll always be there for her when she's ready to talk, altho i won't make the first move. i'll only talk to her if she's in the right mind and when she's mature enough to admit her mistakes. i'm not saying that i was right. i did have my share of mistakes and deeply regretted all of them. but then again, if she doesn't want to talk, it's ok with me. i wish her the best.

do i still love her? love her in a way that i want her to be happy. but love her, you know, i don't know. too much has happened and there's still that coldness in me that can't get out of my system. time will only tell...

as for ros, she'll make it through. she always have. and that's good. now i only wish that she'll learn from her mistakes and be happy with her life...

"i came, i gave my best...but i failed...yet so much i have learned...and thanks to everyone, i am recovering..." - eggie, 3:38AM, tues, sept 27...