Karma

Before I wrote this, I went to the chapel and prayed real hard on what to do. And whatever I write down today, I hope this would be my last to talk about Jane Ong (not her real name)

Everything ended Wednesday. I won't go to details anymore but it just happened that it ended right then and there. We had a big fight that ended really ugly. Some things weren't clear and I was left in the air.

That night, I cried my heart out. To some of my friends who were there when it happened and later when I got home, to my mom. I listened to what they had to say to me and my mom insisted on going to her house, give Jane and her mom gift and say goodbye properly.

So that's what I did the next day. I went in the evening...

But before that, Jane texted me again, asking me that if I wanted to talk. I said no, telling her that we were too hot-headed to talk and nothing will come out from us talking. Then she texted something I couldn't take but I kept my calm. I sincerely said that talking wasn't good now. She never texted again.

Then came night time. I somehow knew what time she usually goes home so I went an hour later. I wanted to have a conversation with her mom to lighten. Then and there, I learned the truth. Jane was scared of me. She never had the guts to tell me but still let me continue courting her, making me feel stupid.

It was then I finally knew everything and knew that it really wasn't going to work out. I gave the gifts and left also a letter for her to read. In that letter, I poured my heart out. I left, thanking her mom for everything and apologizing for bringing trouble to her daughter.

Then I went to the parola, where Jane and I shared some of our most memorable moments. Whenever I was there, I felt a sense of peace and that night was no exception. I prayed to God, thanking Him for letting me meet and and love her for a time. Then I texted her my final message, letting her now that I know the truth and that I'm letting her go. I erased everything in my fone, her pictures, numbers and messages.

I got home around 11 and prayed to God again. This time to help her be happy again with life again.

This morning, I checked her friendster and found something that opened my eyes. She was online in ym. I asked her that but, of course, she never replied. I then went on removing her from my friendster and ym, just to leave her in peace.

This is my way of letting go of her. I want to be removed from her life in order for her to be happy again. In the end of my courtship, I felt she wasn't anymore and biding time to say to me that she wants to end it.

This is also my closure. I finally found answers to the most importants questions and that make made less angry at her. But I don't blame her for actions though. It was my fault that it came to this.

If anyone ask me how I felt for her, I would definitely say I love you. I still do. Jane was a one of a kind girl that's so hard to see now. And it depresses me to just lose her like that. If God gives me another chance to prove myself to her, I'd gladly take it. Nothing make me more happy than doing that. Yet I know it's wrong. Too much had happen and I don't think things will ever be brought back again. I just love her that much to make me realize that it was time to let go.

I'm really depressed now. Haven't slept in 2 days and my mind is wondering around. Too many problems have been coming into my life and I'm wondering how I'm ever gonna cope up with this. But the most damaging one is this with Jane. Now moving on will be the hardest part.