Eggie's Life

2009-11-03T03:27:00.000-08:00

I lost my girl. Because of my stupidity and my lack of understanding in the one person who really makes my world real again.. I lost her.

The story with her goes long way back. Too many stories. Too many heartbreak.

Though people would side with me, telling me that I'm not at fault, I'm the one who's totally at fault.

I knew of her problems. I knew that risk I was taking when courting her and getting into an open relationship. But in the end, I was the one who crumbled. She gave up. I pleaded but she wouldn't budge. Now, she wouldn't even talk to me.

Now I'm completely broken. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm feeling like I wasted more than 1 year of my time trying to get this girl to love me the way I do.

Now it's all gone. All in the night before I learned I was gonna lose my job..

Depression to the max

2009-11-03T03:14:00.000-08:00

My life is turning upside down. I'm so depressed. Too many things have been happening all at the same time. And almost all of them are my fault. Right now, I hate myself, hate my life, and hate myself so much that I just want to end it all.

I tried everything just to keep myself intact but to no avail. I am slowly crumbling inside out. I have no one to talk to with my problems. And the one person I really wanted to talk to about them doesn't want to talk to me.

I am desperate for anything. I feel that if I don't do anything to help myself out, I just..

Just awhile ago, I was talking to my company doctor. I badly needed help. She then accepted my request and gave me this simple advice.

"Why don't you try writing your problems down?"

I thought about it and gave it a try.

So in the next few days, I'll be writing about everything. I hope this will give me some peace..

2009-03-14T05:53:00.000-07:00

What's there to write about now?

Ugh, my life is so boring that there nothing to actually write about..

Well, there's one thing I guess..

I've already decided that I need to leave my current company. I just don't feel that same drive I used to have for the past 3 years. But don't get me wrong. I love my work. I love my fellow co-workers. I just don't like how the management handles everything.

Moving on I guess is the best thing to do. I've got everything planned out, even the company I'm about to get into. The thing now is the timing.

Wish me luck..

Reminiscing...

2009-02-28T22:54:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, I went out with officemates and ex-officemates for dinner at MOA. But what made that night special was after dinner, when I was with someone whom I haven't seen or talked with for a long time.

She's not an officemate. She's someone I have met a long time ago. We've had our good and bad times and for awhile, we didn't communicate at all.

But for the first time in a long while, we were together again.

I picked her up late. I think it was around 11pm. She still looked the same as ever. Maybe a little more weight but still very pretty that made my heart skipped a beat when I saw her. As she got in the car, we greeted each other and went off.

I knew that she had work later that night but it was still early, so I invited her to drink. She agreed. I brought her to this nice little place in metrowalk. The place is nothing elegant but the mood there was perfect. And the drinks were cheap.

I ordered beer, she bottomless iced tea. We talked, making up for lost times. We told each other our sobs stories. We laughed at each other's jokes. We shared music (we have almost identical musical taste). As the night passed by, the alcohol was getting to me by the third bottle. I had to stop drinking or else, I couldn't go home. But at that time, I was feeling relaxed, very loosed. She must have felt the same too, despite not drinking.

When she leaned on me, I felt her heat. Nothing perverted. But I remember hers very well. It was something I missed for a long time. When I put my head on her shoulder, she'll put her hand over my hand, rubbing it gently.

As I brought her to her workplace, we shared a very tender hug. I guess we really missed each other that much.

These were the moments we shared when we were together, the moments that made me really happy even if it was temporary. But we both knew our situation. It may never be unless the situation changes. Even if it did, it doesn't mean it can happen.

But for both of us, it didn't matter..

2009-02-20T23:42:00.000-08:00

It's really hard to pursue something that's not even making an effort to do something for you. No matter how hard you try, even the other person does not exert even just a tiny amount of effort, it is just useless.

But is it really that impossible for the other person to see how much he/she means to you? Is it really a one way street as it is seen? Or in simpler terms, is it worth it?

When I think about my own situation, I can't help think about being so helpless. I'm like a vegetable. And no matter what I do, I have to think about the consequences.

Then someone asked me again, "Is she really that worth the price?"

Now I can't answer anymore.

15 songs I'm listening to right now..

2009-02-15T22:19:00.000-08:00

1. Kill - Jimmy Eat World

My current fav song. Damn this song. I used to hear this band a lot but I never got to listen to their songs. I thought of them of some kind of weird looking band playing maybe some weird music. To my friend's insistence, I listened to this song...and immediately loved it! Kudos to this band for making such an incredible song.

2. The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

Last time I made a list with an artist having 2 songs in, I bundled it. I just can't do this now with this band. I've always heard this song in NU107 before and some teenager movies that I can't remember. Then one day, the same friend who told me about Kill told me to listen to this. Lo and behold! After searching for so many years what the hell the title was and who was the artist, I couldn't believe that the same band who sung my current fav song is the same band who sung this song. Talk about coincidence haha. Also for Guitar Hero addicts, this is included in one of the games and from what I heard, is one of the most played song in the game.

3. Retrace - Anberlin

Rarely has a christian rock band has moved me the same way Anberlin did. Retrace is such an awesome song that can be a love song to your loved one or a love song to God.

4. A Twist In My Story - Second Hand Serenade

Honestly, when I think about Second Hand Serenade, I remember those acoustic live acts that you can see performing in bars and stuff. In short, the same old emo thing. But this song is really really good, I tell you. It's got this thing that keeps me listening to it.

5. America's Suiteheart - Fall Out Boy

My love for Fall Out Boy hasn't faded that much, even if their latest album, Folie A Deux, fell way below my expectations. In fairness, they a couple of really nice songs there and one of those is this song. Just pure vintage FOB.

6. Monsoon - Tokio Hotel

Never heard of this band. This was just recommended by the same guy who recommended Jimmy Eat World. The singer looks like Carlito of WWE but he has this amazing voice which suits this song. Too bad this is the only song I like from them.

7. Breakeven - The Script

Ugh my heartbreak song. The Script couldn't have made a much sadder song than this.

8. Busy Bee - Ugly Kid Joe

Old school time! UKG is more famous for songs like Everything About You and Cats In The Cradle. But my favorite song from them is this. I love the part whenever the boyish female voice comes. It gives me goosbumps whenever I hear that part.

9. Valentine - Shades Apart

The band may not be around anymore, but this song brings back so much college memories haha. I like the low voice of the singer. Not exagerrated yet not too normal.

10. Moment Of Truth - FM Static

Ugh my proposal song. Though this song may have hit the jologs radio stations, I still love this song very much. The message is super sweet. If you're a guy who's about to propose to someone, try listening to this. You'll really love it.

11. Somewhere In Between - Lifehouse

This band never ceases to amaze me. I never knew that this song came from their debut album. Yes, the one with Hanging By A Moment with it. Just love this song. Love this band.

12. Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback

Haha. This gotta be my song y'all haha. For all the singles who wish to have that someone, this one is for you!

13. Easy - Faith No More

Love this song! I always go back to the days when good ol' rock and roll was awesome because sometimes, the current music ain't enough to satisfy you. Love this version though.

14. Highway Jones - Cry Of Love

This is one of the hardest to find song for me... ever! It took me years to get a copy of this song. Awesome guitar played here. It was said that while recording for Razorback's debut album, former lead axeman David Aguirre (whom I consider one of the best ever filipino guitarist) was listening to this band, trying to get their kind of guitar style. For all guitar players, this song is for you!

15. Pen And Paper - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

RJA's latest offering is this song. Just bought the cd yesterday, and I can't stop listening to this song and 2 other. But this one is my fav from the album.

New Year, New Resolutions, We'll See..

2009-01-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

Whoa... it's been a long time since I last posted here..

Too many things have happened and so little time to talk about everything. But here's what I'll say first...

Jayne and I are at peace. It came to a shock that I never really expected her to talk to me or something. But at least, now we're talking.

Now, the question would be "So how's things between us?"

We're friends. Though it's really hard to explain but for now, we don't really want anything to happen, especially at her side. I don't really mind because I'm really into deep now because of the things I need to do in my life.

Kung maging kami, eh di ayos. But if not, at least we're friends and I think that's what's important.

For those asking for Sadat's article, I haven't finished it yet but I promise to post it in the next few articles.

Take care everyone! Ciao!

Xmas....arrrghh!!!! yeah!!! hahaha!!!

2008-12-21T23:12:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my whole life, I've actually had the energy to do all my xmas shopping at an early time. Bought all the gift for all my nephews, neices, pamankins. Also bought a little for me, some friends, officemate... and her.

I'm almost out of money 'cause of shopping but for some reason, I'm happy. Sorry na lang for the other kids I've forgot >_< haha...

Last thursday, I went to Jayne's house to deliver her gifts. Got to talk to her mom, who was very much surprised to see me. I explained why I was there that time. It's just that I didn't want this thing anymore. The tension between me and Jayne. I wanted it to end if ever it's still possible with her. So that's why I gave her a christmas gift. Inside, I sent her a letter why I was giving something.

But I'm not expecting anything. It's just that I need to release this uneasiness in me. The guiltiness I'm feeling. If she never tried to talk to me again, I already know her answer.

But right now, I'm not sad as I'm suppose to be. :)

Nuninuninu

2008-12-10T01:25:00.000-08:00

I was absent from work today. I called in sick.

So the whole day, I was able to download some songs (except for Black Cadillac by Dan Mackenzie), upload some pictures in Friendster and Facebook, and view some people.

People in the office were texting me the whole day, asking why I was out. Guess they miss me that much harhar! But at least there wasn't that much work to do (according to our supervisor) so my presence wasn't missed.

13th month pay is on friday and I'm already planning what to buy and stuff. Good thing I'm on leave this friday.

Also this friday, I'm suppose to meet a friend of Sadat. She happens to be a friend of an ex of Sadat. We're suppose to meet up for me to give her Sadat's reprinted pics.

Ugh, I've been having troubled putting down my weight again. When I reached 150lbs, I couldn't bring it below that. Ugh. Now I'm at 153. Good luck!

Ugh, nothing really exciting happened to me. Hopefully something will eventually. Maybe over the weekend haha :)

What the hell's wroing with me????

2008-12-07T00:55:00.000-08:00

Ever since that elevator incident, I can't stop shaking from what happened. The thought of Jayne makes my whole body shiver. My officemate finally told me to stop it. But I can't! I don't know why but I just can't...

I guess that incident left a big impact on me. It's either I do something about it or just forget the whole thing, no matter how hard it is for me. I guess the first would be more logical to do for me. But how?

Hay... Frustrations...

Someone mailed me asking about Abby. Out of respect for her, I decided not to talk about her anymore. But I'm sure she's very happy now and that's what matters.

Now about my happiness...

Funny!

2008-12-06T04:18:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with this old friend of mine and he was kinda pissed at me for not visiting his blog. So that's what I did.

What I found was a very hilarious series of posts based on my friend's colorful life.

Now my only complaint is: "Why hadn't I done this before?"

Oh well...

Here's his blog addie if you want to read it ---> reignloleng.wordpress.com

Enjoy!

Back to basics

2008-12-03T02:08:00.000-08:00

So now I'm back to scratch again. I still shiver from what happened yesterday.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. So I made my resolve to start tomorrow.

So that's what I did.

I started with a smile. Went to the office with a smile. Tried not to dwell too much of bad memories and work.

But alas, no work for today! Almost the whole day, we were vacant. Oh well...

But I guess I have to live with this no matter what. But I can survive this :)

For the first time after...

2008-12-02T02:26:00.000-08:00

For the first time in almost 2 month, I finally saw Jayne...

I went down the building to smoke during lunchbreak. Then the elevator where I was riding suddenly stopped at her floor. There she went in. My officemate who was with me that time, suddenly poked me hard, signalling me that Jayne went in.

So I took a look. Yeah, she was there. She got thinner. She had a ponytail on, which I never saw the time we were still together. After looking at her, I looked the other way, hoping that she won't see me.

And we got out off the elevator (she went out first), I felt myself suddenly shaking. My officemate was teasing about the moment but I just shrugged it off. Yet he was nice enough not to comment about my shaking.

When we got up to our office again. I excused myself to go to the CR. As I got in the cubicle, tears were falling out of my eyes. I silently cried.

Now I knew how I really felt about Jayne. I still have so much feelings for her. Yet because of my stupidity, I suddenly lost her. I have become a sort of criminal to her. I don't belong to her life now. I've accepted that fact but it's took out a big part off me. The pain never seemed to fade, just when I thought I've gotten over her.

But I guess that's life. Things come and go. I've lost too many things these days that I don't know if there's something there for me again.

In the end, I want to be left alone...

Weekend Again! Yahoo! Sadat...

2008-11-28T02:07:00.000-08:00

Finally! Weekend again! And make it better, it's a long weekend! Haha! There will be no work on Monday because of the Holidays of the US. So I have an extra day to rest...

Whew...

Anyway, Sadat's death anniversary is fast approaching. I will be talking about him again in the next few post.

Wish he was still here today...

Everyone Sees Her But Me! Weird! Harhar!

2008-11-27T05:01:00.000-08:00

The last time I saw Jane was October 15. I just withdrew from the ATM and when I was about to go up again, I saw her coming out of the elevator with her best friend without looking at me.

Then the whole fight started. Ever since, I haven't seen her. Mainly because we both tried avoiding each other as much as possible. But that didn't stop my officemates from seeing her.

Then awhile ago during lunch break, I went down with a guy officemate to smoke. As we smoked, 2 girls came out off the buildling. One of them had the same hair and had the same posture as Jane. Oh my god! It's her! My heart skipped a bit because I wasn't really ready to see her or something. But for some reason, my officemate never reacted.

As we went back in to get to the elevator, I told my officemate that it was the first time I saw Jane since the incident. He gave me a weird look and ask, "Where?" I told him about the 2 girls but he shrugged and said, he didn't noticed.

As the elevator opened for us, the people inside it went out. Then my officemate suddenly bumped me. I asked why.

Officemate: Hindi mo nakita si Jane?

Me: Ha? Diba nga yung isa sa dalawang babaeng sinabi ko sayo kanina.

O: Hindi! Siya kaya yung lumabas ng elevator, nakatingin pa kaya sayo!

M: Nge! Di nga?

O: OO kaya! Kala ko nga kakausapin mo.

Then it occurred to me that I didn't look had a good look at that girl whom I thought was Jane at the time. Now at close range, how the hell did I miss seeing Jane??? It was almost impossible!

So I told this to another officemate who was a very good friend of mine. "Buti na lang hindi mo napansin," was her reply.

For some reason it kinda made me sad. I really wanted to know how I would react if I saw her. I wanted to see her reaction also if she saw me.

Was she still afraid? Did she still think I'm that freaking stalker that I'm really not?

Oh well... I missed my chance

Thing To Be Learned

2008-11-27T04:33:00.000-08:00

One of the things I badly need to learn is not to be expect. Like just what happend a few days ago.

Supposedly, I was going to go out with someone this weekend. So a month before, I already told her about it. She agreed. The date was already settled but the place I couldn't actually because she has gone to most of them. So I figured to bring her to somewhere that she had gone before but haven't gone for a long time, meaning Tagaytay or Enchanted Kingdom.

I haven't been to both of them too for the longest time so I really did want to go there too. Then I was touched when I learned that she took a leave on that day just for that. So I was really excited about the whole thing.

Then Tuesday came, she texted me, telling me that she suddenly needed to cancel her leave because she had to attend this mandatory training on saturday, meaning she has to work her friday schedule then attend that training afterwards.

I didn't want to go out if she's tired and all. It's not gonna fun. I had no choice but to cancel it. Yeah, I was really disappointed. I thought everything was gonna push through then kapoot!

But I didn't want to end my saturday like that. So I ask a friend of mine to accompany me to Tagaytay with me that day. He agreed. So I'm still going to Tagaytay, only now with a good friend of mine, not the girl I was suppose to go out with.

Now after this, I told myself not to get mad at her. It's really not her fault that things happen like that. So I told myself not to expect anymore.

But one thing's for sure. Saturday may be my last free day of the year. After that, I will be just loaded with stuff. So, best of luck to me this Saturday!

Tattoooooooooooooooo!!!

2008-11-22T22:58:00.000-08:00

I have this insane craving right to get a new tattoo. So bad that I've already planned when to have it (1st or 2nd weekend of December), where to have it (Robinson Galleria), my budget (Php3.5k), and which body part will I have tattoed (Left upper arm).

But one problem: What kind of tattoo do I want??????

I have everything already settled but I haven't decided what kind of tattoo I want to have. Obviously it's a tribal kind. Almost all my tattoos have been tribal. But the design itself is hard.

When you've decided to get, you have to think real hard what kind because it gonna be with you like until you die.

So I'm here right now, in a dilemma of the design of a tattoo.

Can anybody help me here???

Ugh...

It's friday!

2008-11-21T01:58:00.000-08:00

FINALLY!

It's friday already! Haha! I can finally relax from this week full of stress, anxieties and all those craps.

I badly need to rest my body and mind. Been thinking too much I guess. Getting little sleep. Not eating right. Etc etc etc...

On the bright side, I now weigh 150lbs. This is the first time weighed this light since highschool. Wow... that's a long long time ago haha. Now, I'm trying to get down to my ideal weight: 140lbs.

Let's go six pack!

Stupid Person

2008-11-19T02:09:00.000-08:00

I have this officemate of mine who's a little bit older than me. Well, I'm her friend and all and I do care a lot about what happens to her.

For the past 2 years, she had been one of the top in productions. No one can enter a bill as fast as she can be. But no matter what she does, management will always overlook that because of her negative points.

I won't say anymore what are those but because of those negative stuff, she was the only one from that group of "elite people" who didn't get an increase. As a result, she lost interest.

For the past month, she would only start working around 9am and she would stop at around 4pm even if there was a lot of volume. For her, it's her form of rebellion against management. Yet I've told her so many times to talk to management about her case but she would always rant that they would never understand and stuff. She never bothered to try.

At first, I was symphathetic. But as time passed by and with her cockiness, I was really pissed. If she keeps on continuing that kind of attitude, why stay there? Even if she had reached quota and stuff, she could've done more and put more brownie points for her to get that elusive increase she's been wanting. But no! Instead, she's rather gloat on the fact that our bosses are stupid people who wouldn't even listen.

How can she even say that if she hasn't talk to them?

What about me? They gave me my much deserve increase not just because of my efforts, but also because I tried to bring my case to them.

My advice to you, my dear officemate: I love you to death but just resign, girl! If you don't want to change that really irritating attitude of yours, just freaking resign! Argh!

What the?!?!?!

2008-11-18T01:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I had to park my car beside my building because of color coding. So during lunchtime, I went down to get my car and park it in Megamall so the fee would be cheaper.

But when I got back from the office around 1pm, an officemate of mine told me she saw Jane when she went down. Jane was kinda looking at her intently as if she wanted to talk to her. But my officemate, being pissed at what Jane did to me, shrugged her off.

Then after that, another officemate of mine told me she and Jane were in the elevator and had a brief conversation.

Jane (J): Uy, kumusta ka na?

AM (A): Okay lang. Ikaw?

J: Ok naman. Si Eggie pumapasok pa ba?

A: OO naman.

Then the elevator opened for Jane's floor and she got out.

After hearing this from my officemate, my initial reaction was "Eh?". First of all, the reason why I don't go down anymore during lunchbreak to smoke because of Jane's fear for me. I'm afraid that if she sees me, she might get a heart attach right there and then. So why the hell's she asking about me?

It's not so like her, even if she asked out of curiosity. She's the type who would forget as if nothing happened between us. As if I never existed. So I jokingly thought, "She missed me? My God ha! I'm so flattered!" Harhar.

But when I think about it, I felt lonely again, but this time with guilt. Lonely because it could've happened, guilty because...

Anyway, I'm not really ready to see her now. Maybe because I'm still pissed at the things I've heard, especially the stalker thing. When you hear things about yourself that really pisses you off, it's like you want to piss on the person itself, literally! Especially when the things you hear are not true. Maybe at first, you laugh at it but when you hear things like this and that which goes overboard, you tend to get really mad and say, "Hey, under the belt na yun ha!" And I mean UNDER! Grrrrr...

I don't know what her thoughts are now. But if she wants to think that way, let her be. As far as I know, I know what I am and I know what really is true about me.

Leave Mah Lollis Alone! Harhar!

2008-11-15T23:59:00.000-08:00

I look of people have been asking me this, "What the hell is it with you and lollipops?!"

Now to set the records straight, I love lollipops for a lot of reasons. But the main reason why I'm into lollipops now is because of my ever growing craving for cigarettes.

For those who still doesn't know, yeah, I'm a smoker. And a bad one, so to speak. I recently smoke a pack a day, especially during my depression times. And every opportunity I get, I smoke. So I thought, to cut my nicotine intake, I had to choose an alternative. So I went back to my college days fad: the lollipop!

Why lollipop? Because it last longer than the ordinary candy. Because you can talk it out of you mouth without holding the candy itself. And best of all, I can think of them as cigarettes haha.

My favorite lollipop of all time is Blow Pop, the wild cherry flavor. But it's kinda expensive (P15 per piece) so I went to look for another one. Lo and behold, I discovered Chupa Chups, which costs roughly half of Blow Pops but equally fine. Aside from the two, I haven't found another lollipop that is equally as good as Blow Pops and Chupa Chups. The local brands suck big time. They just don't have the same texture and taste as both of them. Yeah they cost cheap but they taste cheap also. To hell with that. I just love my Chupa Chups and Blow Pops!

Right now, my cigarette count to 10-15 sticks a day thanks to lollipops. But I have to reduced it even more if I want to live healthier. Hopefully, I would end up quitting smoking.

Doing it is so much harder than saying it..

2008-11-12T01:57:00.000-08:00

Nothing really big.

I was texting with a friend of mine, who was having a dilemma. So I gave her advice and in the end, she was decided.

After we talked, I thought about how easy it was to give advice to people, when you yourself can't do it on your own.

I've helped so many people but I can't seem to help myself. Even if I were given an advice, I still tend to make mistakes. And do it all over again.

Hay.

Frustrating.

Last chance...

2008-11-10T01:53:00.000-08:00

Whoa... For some reason, some people got to read my last post as soon as I published it. And 3 of them mailed me their comments, all of them disagreeing to what my friends had to say about Abby.

While they sympathize with Abby's feeling, they all said that it is not right to judge what the situation really is. They all said that it is better to hear Abby's side also.

My question is this: How?

Well, I'm answering it also now. Abby is got to read the post, asked me some questions and after awhile, ask if she could think about everything and that if she's ready, she'll talk to me. I said okay and told her to take her time.

My mom and I talked last night about her. Like the other readers, she didn't agree with what my 2 friends said. "But one thing's for sure," My mum said, "Abby's really confused right now and the last thing she needs is a distraction."

"If you really want to be with her, just do what you think is right. It doesn't mean you can court her or what. It's just find her pain, her anxieties and frustration. Help with what you can do. In the end, it doesn't matter if it's gonna be you and her or not. What matters in the bond that you and her built in these bad times."

I cried.

Abby will always be my greatest frustration. From the time I met her until now, I fought a losing battle. I've lost twice and it seems I'm gonna lose the third time to another. I've always wanted to give that happiness she's been searching for... But I know it's not coming from me that happiness she's looking for.

Now, I'm at a brink of depression again. I'm stupid enough to lose another person because of my lack of sensitivity to the other person. It's really frustrating. I guess I never learned my lessons. I'm just a fat ass, hard to understand bastard.

I went to the chapel again, knowing next week that it's going to be her interview for promotion. I prayed real hard that she gets that promotion... and that she be happy already.

I've decided not to talk about her anymore after this post. Whatever happens in that talk, it's gonna be between me and her.

But now I know where I'm suppose to be. Be her Kuya Eggz as she wants me to be. I guess I'll never become anything beyond that now...

Facing reality... again...

2008-11-08T23:21:00.000-08:00

The second part of my story happened last night also. I was suppose to meet up with 2 old friends of mine whom last I have seen was early this year. At first, I agreed to meet them up in greenhills.

But I remembered making a promise to someone... So I declined. But for some reason, Teresa (not her real name) and Roy (not his real name) really wanted to meet up with me so they decided to go to my house.

They arrived when I was having a shouting match with Mau. They were shocked to see I was fighting with someone. When I saw them, I told Mau to wait and accommodated Teresa and Roy in the house and told them to wait for me and I'll explain to them what happened. It was really embarrassing.

I think after 20 minutes, Mau and Emmy left my house. I told my driver to buy a case of beer, San Mig Lights, because these two friends of mine would be mad if there are no alcohol to drink.

When I got back in, I saw Teresa reading one of the magazines in the living room and Roy was strolling back and forth, somewhat worried about my predicament awhile ago.

I greeted them with a forced smile (I was still pissed at Mau and Emmy) and sat down. We conversed for a little bit then my driver came back with the case of beer. We started drinking and for some reason, I calmed down a bit.

After telling my the stories of their lives, they asked about mine. I told them my life was boring, that nothing really great happened to me. Then I first told them my story about Jane... then about Abby.

As great listeners both were, they never interrupted even once in the 1 or 2 hours I told them about both. But they didn't care about what happened to Jane now. "Jane is past. There's no need to talk about her now," as Teresa said. Then when it came to Abby, here's our conversation went after I told them the story.

Teresa (T): Eggie, I think you're overdoing it.

Eggie (E): Overdoing what?

T: Those stuff you do for Abby. That's too much already. Even a girlfriend gets less than what you've given her now.

Roy (R): Eggie, what Teresa means is you have to stop doing this. If you really want to show love to her, there are other things you can do for her.

T: Abby is now in a twilight. She really doesn't need anything confusing in her life. That's what you're doing Eggie. Remember, you are not her boyfriend, much less her husband. And remember, there's still Kris in her life. Then there's this officemate of hers who's also making her confused. Even if she's almost given up on Kris, she still loves him and wants to give him one last chance. But what you're doing is confusing her.

R: Even though you don't mean it or you don't recognize it, you're pushing Abby, forcing her to do something that needs time to think. Sorry dude. I think the reason why she lied to you was because you're scaring her.

T: But don't think this is the end of this. I think Abby is really thinking about you. But I also thinks she needs space from you. There are too many things in her mind right now that she's putting you now in the least of her priorities.

R: I agree. So what you can do is take a look at yourself dude. Think again about your status in her life. Think about what you can do to actually help her. I don't believe what you're doing to her now is bad. You're just overdoing it.

T: Right now, she needs you more as that "Kuya Eggz" figure now than a distraction. If you can do that, then it will pave way to new paths for both of you. Believe me, she hasn't closed her door from you, it's just that she doesn't want you coming into hers now.

R: You love Abby. But you have to know where your limit is. If your reason of doing those things is because you're afraid of losing her, believe me, what you're doing is the quickest way to lose her.

T (now sitting beside me and putting an arm around me): It's not the end of the world Eggie. There are lots of girls in this world if it's not meant to be. But don't lose hope now. There's still a chance but now is not the time to think about that.

R (smiles): For now, why don't you fix things in your life now? Surely you have lots of problems now.

T: Yes, try to do that first and be a better Eggie to her.

R: You know the rest already so we don't really need to say it to you.

Then Teresa told me something I can't say now. But it really made my heart pound hard.

After a case of beer, 1 bottle of red wine and a bottle of vodka (both were brought by them) Roy and Teresa went home.

I drank a lot yesterday but for some reason, I wasn't feeling tipsy or anything. I thought really hard about about Roy and Teresa had to say to me. I cried.

I knew I was wrong without ever noticing it. It was like I was choking Abby. Then I prayed to God for some guidance. I really need some answers that time. And I slept around 6am.

Around 8am, I woke up and knew what I had to do. I texted Abby again to apologize. No reply. It hurt that she didn't but I guess.. Then I started re-thinking about the things. What went wrong and stuff.

And I finally found the answer..

I don't want to this but I guess I really need to. If her happiness means so much to me, then I'll do it, even if it costs mine..

Yes, I really facing reality again..

Saving face... and regretting it

2008-11-08T19:23:00.000-08:00

I have two stories to tell today. Both of them happened last night.

My first story is about this experience with a couple.

This story goes way back in 2003. Emmy (not her real name) used to play in the same computer shop as I did back then. I was one of the few people who got close to her. Though I found her cute, I still loved my ex that time and wasn't even thinking about cheating behind her back. Instead, Emmy and I became close like hell. We would text each other a lot, play at the same time in the shop, have dinner, etc.

Then one night, it was just me and her. We were drinking in her house (her mom is usually away because of work), letting our depression out. That time, I was depressed with the breakup with my ex, she also experienced the same thing. Then, after several bottles and tears, the unexpected happened...

A few month later, she hooked up with a regular from the shop and after learning about it, I told her never ever tell her what happened between us because it might spill bad blood between me and mau (not his real name). She agreed.

But unfortunately, she still told mau about us and that lead to this unreasonable jealousy that I only knew just a month ago (note: they've been together for almost 4years now).

Years later, Emmy and I tried to keep in touch as much as we can. We go out at times, usualy with Mau and one time, she came to visit me at my office. It's like we're both looking out for each other.

Then just last month, something really bad happened. Emmy called me up. I was wondering what was wrong that time. She said she caught Mau red handed. I wasn't surprised because Mau is a player. I've known this even before they were together. So I consoled her and stuff and hopefully, things would get better.

But it didn't.

Emmy became unreasonably intolerable. She kept texting and calling me up. She even went to my house without me even knowing it. She slept at my room despite my disapproval and wanted me to sleep beside her. But I tried to keep my patient at a calm level. I was thinking about other stuff as well, like Jane that time.

Mau learned about this thing and eventually could not hold on his anger anymore. This led to 2 fights, with me taking the beating. I didn't want to fight.

Then I learned about Mau's jealousy towards me and the fact that Emmy is pregnant. I somehow became involved in a situation I wasn't suppose to be in.

I told them not to get me involved too much about their problems. It should be them who should solve it. But that didn't happen.

A few days ago, Emmy again left her house to sleep in mine for 2 nights. Despite my protest, my mom insisted that she stay. The day after, I brought Emmy home and made her promise not to bother me again. That night, Mau came to my house, which lead to a shouting match that my mom had to come out and made Mau leave. It was really ugly.

The last night, Emmy and Mike were together. They wanted to talk. I was really pissed at both of them for even coming to my house. I told them there's nothing to be talked about anymore and that they should already leave before I call the security to make them leave.

But they insisted on staying because they felt they needed to talk to me. Without thinking, I told them that I had a girlfriend who already knew about the situation and is really angry about it. I told them that what they're doing now is really unreasonable already.

At first, they didn't believe me for having a girlfriend. But when Emmy saw the pix in my fone and when they saw me in the verge of tears, they eventually backed out. They apologize for everything but they still wanted to talk. I told them next time because I was facing problems also.

Then after a few minutes, they left.

What picture they saw? It was a couple pick with me and a girl.

Now, when I think about it, I deeply regretted using her just to make Emmy and Mau leave my house. I texted her, tried to call her up without any success. Even up to now, she hasn't replied to any of my apologies.

Then I let her be.

It was my fault. I was saving face but deeply regretted ever doing it. I thought it was the best way but the one I used was maybe pissed about it.

I'm sorry...

I'm tired

2008-11-05T01:51:00.000-08:00

I'm dead tired..

Emotionally and mentally..

Hopefully things will get better as December approaches..

If it doesn't, I don't know what to do..

But one thing's for sure..

I want to be at peace with Jane. Even if she can't forgive me, I just want to make peace with her. I'm not really hoping it would become us again, but i'd like it if we be friends. Sayang talaga eh.

And for the rest, I don't know.. Maybe something's in store for me.

I'll just wait and see

Waking up... Hopefully...

2008-11-02T23:41:00.000-08:00

Though I should not interfere, I can't help but do so upon seeing Abby's face. I saw her really tired and sad face. Tired from understanding her boyfriend. Tired from everything. Then for some reason, I became afraid again... I had to talk to Kris (not his real name), her boyfriend.

Since I was on leave, I had a lot of time to think what to say to him. And since face to face talk was kinda impossible, I figured that the next best way to talk was through the messenger.

Around 8am, I texted him, asking him if he could go online this afternoon. He asked why. I didn't really say to him that much that time except I needed someone to talk to (Although I wasn't in the mood to talk about my problems). He agreed. So we were set to talk after lunch.

Before that, I wanted to ask Abby permission to talk to him since last night, she never replied about it. But for some reason, I had to do this... for everyone's sake. Yes, including mine.

Then 1pm came, I texted him that I was already online.

We started our chat with the simple things first. You know. Making up for last time. The last time I got to talk to this guy was a few months ago so he told me his stuff and I told him mine.

Then the time came he mentioned Abby's name. I knew I had to talk to him about it. So I told him "Now that you've mentioned Abby, let's talk about her. But before I do, I want you to promise me two things." And I gave him the two condition in which he agreed upon.

Then I told him everything. How I really felt about Abby. How she knows about my feelings for her but could only see me as a friend. How I was really frustrated about this and the fact that Kris, being the lucky guy, not being able to do something about their problem even frustrates me more. I didn't leave anything except for the Jane issue. I made sure that I said evertything because I wanted Kris to wake up to whatever his problem was and start doing something about it. I wanted them to be together finally.

Because I love Abby dearly..

At the end of our conversation, he thanked me for the talk and will do whatever he can to salvage their failing relationship. I told him that if he didn't do anything, I might do what I've been wanting to do way before: to court Abby.

He didn't get mad at me. He totally understand how I felt about Abby. Abby was easy to love. She's the type of person you want to bring home to show to Mother. And yeah, there's her smile. That amazing smile..

In the end, I promise Kris something, as long as he did his part. So now, it's up to him to do his part of the bargain.

After all these, I read our chat again. What the hell was I doing??? I was helping the boyfriend to make up with the girl I love.

Then it suddenly occurred to me that I was also doing this for my own sake. I was really afraid.

Why I did it? Simple. Because I love Abby.. And because I want her to be happy.

So... How close should I be?

2008-11-01T02:48:00.000-07:00

Abby (not her real name) is the girl I love. I knew I had to be stay far from her because of what I feel for her but for some reason, we became closer than ever since my recent tiff with Jane.

Given her problems at home, her boyfriend and her new schedule, I felt I had to set aside my feelings for her and be that friend who's shoulder she can lean on. And that's what I did. Ever since then, we've been meeting up, texting like hell, and planning to go out with her kid (yeah, she has a child).

So now what's the real score? I'm cool now. I just don't want to get into another one after that messy thing with Jane, and after still having so much feelings for Jane. Abby is the type of person whom I can rely on whenever I have personal problems that I can't seem to share with other people.

Too many things also are happening right now in her life so I don't want to be another problem by forcing myself to her. Instead, I try to help her out, no matter how little help I can be.

Yes, I like Abby a lot. But... Nah that's enough...

I'll just say right now, I'm satisfied with where I am in Abby's life. If something deeper develops in the future, I'd more than welcome it. Wishful thinking again haha. But still, this is better than not having her even as a friend...

15 Songs Part 2

2008-10-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

1. Tonight - FM Static

This song was recommended by an officemate. Ever since then, I can't stop listening to this awesome song. Acousitic EMO at its best. I suggest this is one song you should listen to.

2. Grace Kelly - Mika

This is a very catchy song. Everytime I hear this song, it makes me want to dance haha. Mika is one hell of a vocal range that reminds me so much of Freddie Mercury. Just listening listening to him just gives me goosebumps.

3. Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot

Switchfoot is one nice band that had created some really nice songs. But this one song really caught my attention. Learning To Breathe is going to be a classic hit for this premier Christian Rock band.

4. Understatement - New Found Glory
5. All Downhill From Here - New Found Glory

I've heard of NFG for the longest time. I've listened to their revival of several songs. I found them so so at best. But when I got the privilege to watch them live a few month ago, I said to myself "Wow, I gotta buy their cd." The only available cd was their Best of.. cd so I grabbed it. I found out that they make kick ass original songs that I grew to love. Two of them are the two songs I listed.

6. Chasing Pavements - Adele

One of two songs from my previous list that appears in the list now. Can't stop loving this songs. Adele is awesome singing this song. Plus the message really apply to me a lot... up to now.

7. Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park

It took a long time for this band to make another album and what came out from this
is somewhat a totally different sound from this hard core band. And my favorite song from this album is this song. Kudos for Chester Bennington for not trying to overexert his voice here.

8. One Sweet Love - Sara Bareilles

Miss Bareilles is one cute girl. My type acutally haha. As if I have a chance. But what makes her very special is her voice. Such a soothing voice. And she shows her vocal prowess here in this song. Yeah, I can relate a lot to this song too.

9. Don't Speak - No Doubt

Yeah, yeah. This is an old song. I remember this girl, who was a big crush of my best friend that time, singing this song in our high school fair. But over the years, I can't help listening to this song whenever I'm feeling sad or problematic about love. Oh well...

10. Hedonism (Just Because You Feel Good) - Skunk Anansie

Another old song. Skin, the vocal of the band, is one unique singer. She's black, she's bald, she looks freaky but what matters is her awesome singing prowess. I love this band to death but I guess I'm just one of the few who can actually appreciate this band.

11. Salita - Angulo

The only OPM song in the list. Around Feb, I was driving around, waiting for my sister to come out off the mall. I was listening to NU107 at that time and the featured guest was this never heard of band promoting their debut album. I didn't like the songs in the album... except this one. Electronica mixed with rock, I can't believe locals can actually do this kind of stuff. The song's so enchanting and so addicting, you'll tend to listen to it for hours and hours. I did.

12. Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz

Probably the best hit of Mr. Kravitz, considered by many as one of the coolest rockers around. I especially love this song because of its intro (which is now my ring tone because of this live anime I watched recently, where one of the main character's ring tone was this song) and the drums. Although he has lots of hit, I still think this is the best.

13. Get To Me - Train

Train's vocalist, Pat Monahan, has one of the most amazing male voices around. Here him sing in Drops of Jupiter and When I Look To The Sky and you'll know what I mean. Get To Me is one sweet song that reminds me so much of the sentimental song Get Here by Oletta Adams. Of course, I love Get To Me more haha.

14. Somebody To Love - Queen

Long live Freddie Mercury and his band Queen! No matter what, this song will always be a classic and will always be close to my heart.

15. Signs - Bloc Party

This mega hot euro band has recently produce their latest album, Intimacy. I think this is their carrier hit. It's such a nice, mellow song but you can expect that from a very talented band who had created one unexpected sound to another that became a hit to fans all around the world

90%, 10%

2008-10-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

Friday night, I was drunk again. I had to stay another 30 minutes to drink coffee just to take out my amats. But at least going home, I was with my officemates. And yeah, I got home safe.

The next day, I woke up with a minor hangover with no intention of going out or maybe accompany my sister to the gym so that I could work out.

Then, my ex girlfriend called me up. She was applying for another job in Quezon City and wanted to have lunch with me. At first, I decline because of this lingering hangover I had. And driving from Antipolo to Quezon City wasn't a joke on gas and driving. Then she made tampo, which led me no choice but to go.

But I was glad I changed my mind. I won't go into details anymore but one thing I love about this ex of mine is that she probably knows me more than anyone I know, maybe including myself. After telling her about what happened to me and Jane, she quickly pointed out things to me. I was shocked in some ways. I have been doing it in relationship without ever noticing it.

Then after my talk, she began telling me about her life with her new family. She compared it with her younger single days and told me how hard it was for her to adjust to the really poor life. The two things right now that makes her keep on going are her husband and her baby.

After that, we went around Trinoma to window shop and left the mall around 5pm. I brought her to the MRT station in cubao and went home afterwards.

I reflected on everything we talked about. How easy it was for her to see through me and how easy it was for her to make me listen to her. The talk with her made understand myself even more and what happened to my relationship with Jane

I messed up big time with Jane. There's no way I can go back now and try to fix things. She may never get over that phobia of me.

It's really time to move on.

I guess my ex-girlfriend said it best about this:

"Eggie, you're 90% great and 10% not so great when it comes to relationship. Concentrate on trying to change that one bad thing that became a pattern in your relationship and apply it the time comes a new girl comes into your life."

Karma

2008-10-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

Before I wrote this, I went to the chapel and prayed real hard on what to do. And whatever I write down today, I hope this would be my last to talk about Jane Ong (not her real name)

Everything ended Wednesday. I won't go to details anymore but it just happened that it ended right then and there. We had a big fight that ended really ugly. Some things weren't clear and I was left in the air.

That night, I cried my heart out. To some of my friends who were there when it happened and later when I got home, to my mom. I listened to what they had to say to me and my mom insisted on going to her house, give Jane and her mom gift and say goodbye properly.

So that's what I did the next day. I went in the evening...

But before that, Jane texted me again, asking me that if I wanted to talk. I said no, telling her that we were too hot-headed to talk and nothing will come out from us talking. Then she texted something I couldn't take but I kept my calm. I sincerely said that talking wasn't good now. She never texted again.

Then came night time. I somehow knew what time she usually goes home so I went an hour later. I wanted to have a conversation with her mom to lighten. Then and there, I learned the truth. Jane was scared of me. She never had the guts to tell me but still let me continue courting her, making me feel stupid.

It was then I finally knew everything and knew that it really wasn't going to work out. I gave the gifts and left also a letter for her to read. In that letter, I poured my heart out. I left, thanking her mom for everything and apologizing for bringing trouble to her daughter.

Then I went to the parola, where Jane and I shared some of our most memorable moments. Whenever I was there, I felt a sense of peace and that night was no exception. I prayed to God, thanking Him for letting me meet and and love her for a time. Then I texted her my final message, letting her now that I know the truth and that I'm letting her go. I erased everything in my fone, her pictures, numbers and messages.

I got home around 11 and prayed to God again. This time to help her be happy again with life again.

This morning, I checked her friendster and found something that opened my eyes. She was online in ym. I asked her that but, of course, she never replied. I then went on removing her from my friendster and ym, just to leave her in peace.

This is my way of letting go of her. I want to be removed from her life in order for her to be happy again. In the end of my courtship, I felt she wasn't anymore and biding time to say to me that she wants to end it.

This is also my closure. I finally found answers to the most importants questions and that make made less angry at her. But I don't blame her for actions though. It was my fault that it came to this.

If anyone ask me how I felt for her, I would definitely say I love you. I still do. Jane was a one of a kind girl that's so hard to see now. And it depresses me to just lose her like that. If God gives me another chance to prove myself to her, I'd gladly take it. Nothing make me more happy than doing that. Yet I know it's wrong. Too much had happen and I don't think things will ever be brought back again. I just love her that much to make me realize that it was time to let go.

I'm really depressed now. Haven't slept in 2 days and my mind is wondering around. Too many problems have been coming into my life and I'm wondering how I'm ever gonna cope up with this. But the most damaging one is this with Jane. Now moving on will be the hardest part.

Starting Over Again

2008-10-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

The past week, I had to start over again. I had to regain some composure of mine before I finally succumb to insanity. I have always been trying to be as composed as possible to overcome this. But because of the numerous things that had happened, especially the time I lost someone whom I began to care a lot.

So the day after getting myself drunk, I went straight to the doctor to figure out what was causing my insomnia. Fortunately, he didn't find anything wrong although he didn't prescribed any medicine to me. He merely advised that I try avoiding drinks with caffeine. So ever since, I've had only one cup of coffee.

I went to my old high school mentor whom I go to whenever I needed guidance. It was always refreshing to see my mentor. He had always helped at times when I was down. And this was no exception. Our talk took 3 hours. I cried to him with all my heart, telling him how stupid I was to lose her and how things are not going my way. He gave me advices on how to handle my situations. As for her, he told me to give her time to think and if I can't stop thinking about her, to use her memory for my advantage.

So that's what I did. I'm starting to learn to cook, just the simple dishes. Hopefully, I'll be able to cook adobo or something.

I began working out and eating less. I realized I was overweight and started to think about my health. Last Thursday, I weighed myself and was quite surprise to see that I lost 12 pounds, from 170 to 158. Seeing that, I became more motivated to work out.

I began praying to God. I'm not really the type who'd go to church regularly but recently, I found comfort in Him. Whenever I talk to him, I feel comfort and peace. My life has been upside down but I guess he has a purpose for doing that. Then I prayed for her. That she be happy wherever she is and that she makes the right decisions.

I recently got my increase at work. It's more than what I expected to get but for me, it's still not enough. Right now, I'm seriously leaning on getting a second job. But I still have to weigh things. My boss just told me to think about it carefully because it might affect my health. Then he told me that he had plans for me. Hopefully it happens.

After all this, I began to feel good.

But deep inside, I'm still really sad.

Total Frustrations Part 2

2008-10-03T03:24:00.000-07:00

So now, I can't stop writing. Despite the fact that I keep wiping my face from the tears that are falling, I just keep on going. It's really embarrassing because I'm in a crowded computer shop.

I guess this is life. You can really never get 'em all. The fact that life gives you shit and all, sometime I wonder how i can endure this..

Oh well..

Enough rambling Eggie...

Total Frustrations

2008-10-03T03:07:00.000-07:00

Now my world is upside down. Everything I do now is wrong. I'm really down right now that I don't know what to do. I can't think straight and all I can say is "My God! How did this happen to me??"

It's really frustrating. Now I'm even scared to do something about my life. I'm really close to tears now...

I've never been this down for a long time. Is this because of the "mid-life crisis" I'm in? Or just simply the frustration of not knowing what to do? Whatever the case is, my life right now is pretty fucked up.

A month ago, I thought things would turn around for me, from being just happy to the happiest person in the world. Now, I'm down, down to the lowest point I could get.

I'll stop here muna. The more I right, the more I can't hold my tears anymore.

Past vs Present

2008-09-30T04:23:00.000-07:00

There is one who's lingering right now. Then the other one whom I had so much feelings for but was always one-sided.

First, the one-sided one. I've known her for 3 years now. She belonged to someone and I belonged to someone too. The time I broke up with my ex, she fought real hard for me.

Before I knew it, I began feelings for her. Then troubles came with her hubby, which eventually led to her break up. We became closer because of that, and I became hopelessly in love with her. The more we talked, the more it was hard for my part, especially when I knew her current boyfriend.

Then came the current one. I knew her from a distance. During lunch break, we both smoked outside the building. I never knew her but I found her really cute. Yet for 3 months, I never did try to introduce myself to her. Enter my officemate. In the 3 month of thinking how to talk to her, my officemate did it in 1 day. 1 day!

Then there it started. We both discovered the our feelings are mutual. Then, the ligaw part. And now, in the works.

Yet, at the back of my mind, the other is still there and I really feel bad. The current one is really good and everyone likes there. I have to do something about this and really fast.

Hay...

1 month after...

2008-09-29T02:52:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in the past month.

My birthday came and had lots of fun. I had my birthday on a Saturday in the farm with my officemates and one of my good friends. The day after, which was my real birthday, I quietly celebrated it with my family. It was the first time I did that in years.

Somebody came into my life now. I'm not sure this is a sure thing but I guess I'm trying to have fun with her.

My boss left for the US a week after and suddenly, the company was in chaos. 3 resigned while he was gone and 2 more are following. And these are not new people. 2 come from the pioneer group of hirees, 1 from another old group and the other from my batch. Of the 5, 3 hold very high positions and 3 of them were promoted recently. Now, my boss is furious and can't wait to go back and fix the problem. Oh well... Good luck!

Now, October is coming. A promotion is supposedly waiting for me. Hope my boss didn't forget about it.

I'm tired. Mentally and emotionally...

Chasing pavements

2008-08-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

Friday, August 29, around 6:30 in the evening.

I was driving around Megamall waiting for my officemates, who were buying clothes for the next day's company party. Suddenly I saw her. The girl I love. She was walking to the MRT, I suppose and she was with someone, maybe an officemate. She was wearing a green/brown shirt, jeans and sneakers. Her hair was down as always, the way I loved it. Her companion was carrying some stuff. One was a kinda big plastic bag and the other maybe his office bag (yeah, the companion was a guy)

But she was not smiling. Maybe she was tired. I knew it was her off because I knew her schedule. But what I didn't know is what her rest days are because from what I know, her rest days are thursday and friday. Nevermind.

Anyway, I wanted to park and say hello to her. Yet, something stopped me. For some wierd reason that I don't know, we're not talking. Ever since we were together 2 saturdays ago and ever since I gave her something for her and her kid to enjoy, I just received only 1 text from her.

It was hell week, she said in that only text she sent. I understood that. I didn't really expect her to text me. Who am I to demand her time? Yet I was bothered big time.

I remember this scene in a live anime I recently saw in dvd. A gay guy, who was in love with his senpai, was talking to this girl. He said, "The more I tried to get to know him, the more it hurt." He was referring to his senpai.

Was I feeling like this now??? Was I really feeling hurt? I tried to compose myself from all these thinking. I'm not suppose to do anything beyond what's right. I'm not suppose to expect. And most of all, I'm not suppose to get hurt. Here is the girl I love so dearly yet in the same time, the girl I may never be with. I accepted this fate and knew the risk.

Her boyfriend is a friend of mine and I have too much respect for him. Though he has his faults, he took care of her greatly in his own way and she loved him for that. There were times that their relationship was turbulent yet they survived it all. And in the end, They both will find a way to work everything out.

So where does this leave me? Second fiddle? Her ever-loving kuya? The frustrated guy? I don't really know. This August had given month too much stress that I didn't really had time to think...except for this past week.

Now that i saw her, what will I do? Park in the side and say hello? Or just drive away without her seeing me? It took me all of 5 seconds to make my decision (that time, I was in the middle of the road). I chose the second. I just drove away.

And even up to now, no text.

ZZZ...

2008-08-11T05:13:00.000-07:00

Just one sentence...

WHAT A HORRIBLE MONTH OF AUGUST!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh...

New Face, Same Thing

2008-08-01T02:54:00.000-07:00

It seems I have a new layout for my blog c/o of a friend. She called me this morning, telling me that she had time to edit my blog. So I told her to go ahead and do whatever you want to put in my blog. Thanks Marie! Luv ya! Don't forget about dinner next week!

Anyway, my officemates and I are gonna have dinner in our of our favortie hangouts outside Megamall: Snakeroo in Judge Jimenez Street in Cubao. I introduced this resto last year and to them and instantly it became a hit. So whenever we have time, we go there and eat their delicious food.

Tomorrow would be a boring day because I might be in the house the whole day. If ever I'm going out, which could be the highlight of my day tomorrow, I'd be buying animes. Hehe. Sorry my weakness.

Weekend has come. Why the hell is it so boring???!!!

Story anyone?

2008-07-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

For the past 2 days, I've been trying to help this friend of mine. He's taking cimena classes and his present project was to make a shot film. So I've been giving some ideas of mine. Finally, he said to me that he was toying with one of my ideas. The one about a guy who tells his tragic love story to a friend and does something stupid in the end, all in a span of smoking a pack of cigarette.

I smiled. I was hoping also that he would pick that. The story was one I really cherished. It was this short story I wrote, with the help of a friend, during college for filipino class. What made it special is that friend, who I used to like a lot, sacrificed her time to study just to write parts of the story. The end result of it all was I got the highest grade for that project in all of my professor's classes during that time.

Now my friend's gonna make a movie about it, I wonder how's it gonna be like. But for now, I'll have to wait. Oh well...

Past Is History

2008-07-25T02:50:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago, I was texting with this online friend of mine whom I got to know a lot of her lovelife. She had a boyfriend of 4 years (I think) before the guy called it quits. Though she has a new boyfriend now, she can't forget her ex. And despite the boyfriend being very really nice guy and all, she can't seem to be as happy as she wanted to be.

After hearing her story, I smiled. I remember being like this a long time ago with my ex. We broke up October 2004 but got over her after more than a year. During those hell times, I went into 2 relationships that didn't last long because I still thought of her.

It was really hard, you know. I hurt 2 girls because I wasn't really ready. I was just trying to look for ways to forget her. Yeah, I knew it was wrong but I was desperate. And that what got me.

After everything that had happened, I finally got over her. As for the 2 girls who crossed my path, one became a really good friend to me. The other hates me as hell up to now, I think, but not just because of what happened that time but because of a series of events that happened after. Of course, that's another story I will tell in the future.

Now back to this friend of mine, my only advice is to settle how she really feels for his present guy and give him a chance. But still there's a limit to that, she must know when to stop it. When? Only she knows that :) But she's still young. She's got a lot to learn.

That's the beauty of it. You live you learn. You love you learn. It may sound corny but it's so true. Oh well...

Eh?!

2008-07-21T03:28:00.000-07:00

It gets really tiring when you keep hearing the same thing all over again when nothing's actually happening.

It hurts to know when your friend (if ever they're your friends) are the ones talking at your back, and not your enemies. But it just shows that you can't trust anyone that easily. And hopefully it will make you stronger.

No need to comment on those.

A Conversation

2008-07-15T04:32:00.000-07:00

Girl: Paano mo malalaman kung yung lalake may gusto sa'yo?

Me: Madali lang pag guy. Parati andoon yan kasama mo. Kung hindi mo kasama, parati yan magpaparamdam sa'yo.

Girl: Paanong paparamdam?

Me: Tipong magtetext sa'yo every hour or something like that.

Girl: Eh itong si *censored* may girlfriend na nasa Canada pero sabi naman niya na okay lang daw na gumimik siya.

Me: Hala mahirap mga ganyan. Hindi mo alam kung ano ba talaga intention nila.

Girl: Eh well, good luck na lang.

Good luck girl! Hehehe...

Zzzzz...

2008-07-08T03:09:00.000-07:00

Really boring day today...

I guess I haven't gotten over the long weekend (Monday was a holiday for our company) blues of mine.

Weird.

Wish it's the weekend already (Which I'm scheduled for another long weekend because I'm on leave next monday).

I have this thing about anime now. When I was a kid, I loved watching Voltes V and Daimos but never knew they were called anime.

It was only just recently (7 years ago to be exact) that I finally learned what anime was when watching Samurai X and Slamdunk. Eventually, I began collecting animes. Loving each and every anime that I got.

Here are some of my recommendations:

1. Ouran High School Host Club
2. The Melancholy Of Haruhi Suzumiya
3. Black Cat
4. School Rumble (Season 1 & 2, OVA)
5. Claymore
6. Dragonaut
7. Samurai 7
8. Rosario + Vampire
9. Blood +
10. Deathnote

Enjoy!

Extra lang.

I found this really cool video a month back. I love the song but I had to love how this old guys drums. DARN!!!

Like I Said

2008-07-05T06:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I still like that same person I mentioned a few posts ago, although we haven't spoken to each other after I made that post due to our work. She knows of this blog but I doubt she ever reads this. But even if she does, I know she'll understand what I'm trying to say.

I'm single yet I'm in love. I don't really mind the fact she has someone else because that someone else treats her very well. And the fact that she's happy with him gives me more a reason just to watch her from afar and smile.

I'm single but my heart is open. If someone comes, why not? But while there's nobody, she gives me that inspiration that I need. Weird, but I guess we all have our own way loving the person we chose.

Lastly, I'm single but not desperate. I'm not desperate to the point that I go search for that special someone. I'm not also that desperate to try to steal her from her guy. I just wait for that perfect opportunity...which I will hold on to and never let go.

Maybe love really isn't for me now. I don't mind. I'm happy and that's what matters :)

What I learned

2008-07-01T02:57:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, a friend asked why my ex and I broke up. At first, I hesitated. Not because of how many times I had to explain before this to other people but rather, I thought of my ex and wondered what she was saying to her friends if she was asked the same question.

Yeah, I know it's kinda wierd but that just happened to me. Then looking back the numerous times I tried to explain, I was kinda surprised to learn that I never really was really bitter about the whole thing. In fact, I felt relieved that our relationship ended.

To people who see us, we were a normal couple. Sweet and happy. But those who knew us knew we were having trouble during the last few months of our relationship. It became really bad that when going home, we looked more like friends that as lovers as we were suppose tobe. And it was really hard for both of us. We knew it was about to end but neither of us would make the move to break up.

Then suddenly around February, she texted me, telling me that she wanted to break up. I accepted. The first week after our break up was the hardest for me. I had to go to the office everyday, knowing that I'll be seeing her. Yet, it was on the fifth day when the tension between us was broken. We talked. We realized that this wasn't suppose to happen. The tension, I mean. Then the week after, we started talking again, acting like the Lover Combo never really happened. Eventually, we became good friends and our relationship was way better than it was when we were still together.

So I simply just said to my friend who asked, "I guess there are some things in life there are not meant to be." When I thought about what I said, I knew I was right. I'm glad my ex came to my life. I learned a lot of things. I grew up a bit more. And became a person person to myself.

I still care about her, although it's more of being a concerned friend. I love her still but now just as someone who I see now as a barkada. I never really thought about going back because I knew that it would never be again and because we're having so much fun being just friend.

Now, I'm satisfied being single. If there's someone who'll come in my way, why not? But while she's still not there, I just wanna have fun :)

1 Hell Week to Another

2008-06-28T04:01:00.000-07:00

Last week was hell week for me. Too much work, so little time to do what you want. And from what I heard, our volume of bills from one of our client will double by next week! -_- Oh well... I wish my boss will see the need of salary increase.

My job as an auditor (in company terms, 2nd level of bill review) is not easy. Everyday, I have to balance 3 accounts. That's 3! One account is already hell to handle. With the different intructions given by each account and the constant updates, it can really be confusing And we are just 3 auditors in the company. Good thing management promoted some of the 1st level reviewers (in company term, 1st level is data entries) just to handle the big account we're having.

But still, it's not enough. And I'm already damn tired.

Oh well...

About other things...

I haven't been updating my ex's blog. But from what I heard from her, she has her baby now and her husband has been doing his part. Good. I know things are over between us but I can't help thinking that she's the one having a job and he's not. But at least they're doing something about it. God bless her soul.

Celtics win! Hoorah for Garnett and company! I really believe that he deserved that championship more that Kobe did. What the hell was the Lakers thinking??? Giving up already? It's not the first time that happened.

My good friend Caloi is having his birthday at my house. Darn, you should eat his cooking. Grabe ang sarap! Hehe.

PEX bball tourney is ongoing and I'm on the Black Team. I missed the first 3 games and played the last 2, which ended up as losses. May balat ba ako??? Hehe...

I saw a pic of Sadat in my room again last night. It made me feel sad. What would happen if he were alive now? Would I ever have that opportunity to be his roommate again? God bless his soul...

Hmm..

2008-06-20T03:00:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, i've been very bothered. Bothered to the point that i feel this the whole day. Luckily, my work hasn't been affected by it and no one has been able to tell something's wrong with me.

For now, I'll keep it to myself. I have to figure out what happened.

Oh well...

My Thoughts For The Day

2008-06-16T04:15:00.000-07:00

"Why the hell my boss isn't paying attention to anyone's need right now???"

"Can anybody find me somebody to love *sings*"

"Ugh, umuulan...and I didn't bring any umbrella >_<"

"88 audits, 40 entries..."

"What do I want for lunch tomorrow hmmm...:

"Lakers win. Yeah, at least Boston can win it at home. Muhahaha!"

"Why panaginip?"

"Dupe ba talaga yan o payable?"

"Sarap pala ng Browie Fudge Ala Mode ng Selecta..."

"Should I give up or should i keep on chasing pavements, even if it lead nowhere *sings again*"

"Should I buy Full Metal Panic, Solty Rei or Monster?"

"I'm craving for chicaron."

"Hay may pasok nanaman bukas."

"Alangya, 45php na pala ang pamasahe sa shuttle >_<"

"Grrr, di pa rin tapos fone ko grrr."

"How's Carmen doin na kaya? Miss ya huny :D"

Top 5 Pick Up lines I Got From Text/Internet

2008-06-14T02:10:00.000-07:00

1. Magaling ka mag jigsaw puzzle noh? Kasi umaga pa lang, nabuo mo na agad araw ko.

2. May isang girl na malungkot

Boy: Alam mo ba, ikaw ang pangalawang pinakamagandang babaeng nakita ko.

Girl: Huh?! Eh sino yung una?!

Boy: Ikaw... Kapag nakasmile! :)

3. There's this girl who was teasing her guy friend.

Girl: Ilang babae na ba minahal mo?

Then the guy looked at the girl

Guy : Bakit? Ilan ka ba?

4. Patient: Ano yan?

Nurse: stethoscope po.

Patient: Para san yan?

Nurse: Para malaman ko kung ako ba nagtitibok ng puso mo...

5. Guy walks up to a girl... and says:

Guy: Did it hurt?

Girl: Did what hurt?

Guy: When you fell from heaven...

Oh Well...

2008-06-13T03:19:00.000-07:00

I'm inlove with somebody. She already knows how i feel and she doesn't really mind. She knows I wouldn't do anything because she's still with somebody else. Yet for my part, it doesn't really hurt that much.

Why?

I'm contented being inlove with her. I don't really need to be with her but knowing that she's happy right now with her life is enough for me. Her happiness is what counts considering what had happen in her life. But given the chance to be with her? Who doesn't, right?

But for now, I'm happy the way things are. Happy :)

15 Song I'm Currently Listening To ('Coz 10 Ain't Enough)

2008-06-10T03:33:00.001-07:00

1. Chasing Pavements - Adele

Simply just love this song! Want to hear more from this girl.

2. Just So You Know - Jesse McCartney

Yeah, it's kinda corny for my taste. But somehow, i can relate to the song.

3. So I Thought - Flyleaf

Honestly, I'm not a big fan of this band. I just see them as a heavier, more depressing Avrille Lavigne type of music. But this one song really caught my attention. And I can't talk about it... (sings)

4. Hallelujah - Paramore

Hayley Williams, the cute multi-colored hair vocalist of the band, delivers a very exceptional performance in this song with great guitar and drums.

5. Hard To Beat - Hard-Fi

Funky euro-rock song. Makes me dance whenever i hear it. Too bad their live version sucks.

6. Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy - Fall Out Boy

Two words i can say about their concert here in manila: THEY ROCK! That concert made me a very big fan of this band and listened to almost every song they have. I was surprised to learn that this song was released earlier than their superhit, Sugar We're Going Down. But it rocks as hell. They're probably the hottest band today.

7. Send It Up - Vertical Horizon

One of my all time fav songs! I got the opportunity to see them live last year. When they sang this song, the whole Araneta went wild!

8. Somebody To Love - Queen

All who have seen Ella Enchanted or Happy Feet would've remembered this song. But of course, the original version will always be the best. Kudos to Queen and Freddie Mercury, probably the greatest vocalist who ever lived!

9. Is It You - Cassie

I first heard this song in the street dancing class of my pamankins. Another song that makes me dance whenever i hear it.

10. Deep Inside Of You - Third Eye Blind

My love song. Don't ask why. Just listen. Hehe...

11. Over You - Daughtry

It's interesting to see how David Cook, the latest American Idol, would fare when he release his own album. But for now, Daughtry is the one American Idol i like. And what an awesome song too!

12. Ordinary Day - Vanessa Carlton

It's funny that sometimes, i get to like a song when i hear it in a movie or trailer but not in the radio. I forgot which trailer I heard this song but because of that, I got to love this very melodious song of Miss Carlton

13. The Greatest View - Silverchair

I envy Daniel John, the guitarist and vocalist of the Aussie rock group, for one thing: being the husband of Natalie Imbruglia (Drools). I love this song merely because this was one of the songs that made them get out of that Pearl Jam stereotype thing they were branded for early in their career.

14. All We Are - One Republic

Their album rocks and this single happens to be my favorite one. Try to listen to this one.

15. Starlight - Muse

Another reason why i grew to love euro rock. The piano parts in the song reminds me so much of FIFA. I wonder why...

Celtics vs Lakers Part 2

2008-06-05T04:36:00.000-07:00

While reading my previous post about the NBA Finals, I realized i made quite a hasty analysis of my prediction of the outcome. Now, despite my rooting of the Celtics to win, here's why the Lakers are gonna win the title.

1. Ray Allen is going to struggle...AGAIN. One of the main reasons why Boston kept losing on the road in the postseason. Allen have been shooting bricks the whole postseason. But in the last game, he torched the Pistons with 27 pts, including 2 clutch three pointers in the dying minutes. This could mark end of his struggles, or may be just a fluke. But either way, The C's are gonna need him to produce, or else... Like the old saying goes, "Three heads are better than one." It doesn't mean only KG and Pierce. It means KG + Pierce + Allen > KB.

2. Kobe is unstoppable. There's no one in the Celtic roster can guard Kobe, much less keep on pace with him. Their best bet right now is to put James Posey on him. But Kobe is more than just scoring, his penetration has created openings for his other teammates, which made them more confident and in return, made Kobe trust them.

3. One of the the Lakers supporting cast is going to shine. The difference between the Lakers team this year compared to the last year is any of the players now can become the main supporting actor to KB but. Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol are a given. But Ronny Turiaf, Derek Fisher, Luke Walton, Jordan Farmar, Sasha Vujacic, Vladimir Radmanovic or even Trevor Ariza can produce at any given time. If center Andrew Bynum was available, the series may be a sweep.

4. Celtic road woes will continue. It's really painful to watch the C's playing on the road. The team with the best overall record and the best road record is 2-7 on the road in the playoff. And of the 2 wins they had, the only convincing one was the first one, when they routed the Pistons by 19. And that is the Eastern Conference. Now, they're playing the best from the West. It would be interesting to see what Finals rookie coach Doc Rivers will do when Game 1 starts tom.

But of course, the ball is still round. What i said is just merely my prediction. Anything can happen. And yeah, I'd love to see Garnett finally win his first title.

Celtics vs Lakers

2008-06-02T04:37:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a finals it's gonna be! It's the Celtics vs the Lakers! Anyone who grew up loving Magic or Bird would've loved this match up.

Growing up, I was a Lakers fan, until Dr. Buss decided to trade Shaq and rebuild. When my fav player, Kevin Garnett, went to the Celtics, i instantly found myself siding with the team i loathe when i was a kid.

Of course i would love to see the Celtics win but this won't be a walk in the park for them. In fact, they're facing a team that's far more difficult to handle than the previous 3 teams they encountered in the playoff.

The Lakers is Kobe's team, no doubt. How far can Kobe take them is what will be unraveled once the series starts. I was never a Kobe fan ever since. Yeah, he won the MVP award and is the best player in the world (sorry Lebron, your time will be next time), Kobe has to prove that he can carry the team w/o Shaq. If he doesn't, he'll just be another Scottie Pippen, a superstar who can't win it without the Main Superstar (Jordan). And this may be the reason why theirs more pressure to Kobe to win than the Big 3 (KG, Pierce, Allen) of the Celtics.

As for the Big 3, this year have been remarkable. Who would've though they'd reach this far after a lot of experts speculating they'd be a bust? Yet, this season may (or may not) be their last trip in trip in the finals. With age (all 3 are 30+ yrs old) and different injuries, they can't make another magical trip back next year unless some changes are done. Given this, they have to win NOW.

Big 3 vs Kobe

For the Lakers to win, Kobe has to become Kobe, what he was this season. Trust his teammates again and let the game get to him. If he starts feeling that he can't trust his teammates again, it's all over.

For the Celtics to win, the Big 3 must step up. Not just 2 of them, but all 3. Meaning Ray Allen must find a way to end his play off shooting slump.

What's my prediction for the finals?

Lakers, 4-2

whoa!

2008-06-02T04:28:00.000-07:00

Wow! More than 1 year since i last posted...

So much has happened but so little time to write. But now, i promise to make it a point to check/write in my blog at least twice a week.

At least i did some little cleaning up in my tagboard :D How i wish i knew how to block those stupid ads.

Anyway, for those who wish to contact me, mail me ur contact no and i will text/call you :)

Take care all of you :)

Reminiscing about Sadat

2007-05-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

Usually, i go straight to blogger and write whatever i want to post and then look at my blog to see if there were any comments from my previous post. But now, i've taken a different step: i went to view my blog first.

Surprise, surprise. I received a comment from someone i never knew yet this person treasured as much as i did about someone in the past. And that someone would be my cousin, Sadat.

So it was true. My dear cousin had a kid. I heard rumors about it before during that dreadful time. Although it was never confirmed because my family nor some of my cousins didn't know about it. Eventually, i forgot about it.

But here she is right now, telling me that everything i heard was true. I'm both happy and sad about it. Happy because Sadat has a kid. Sad...you know why obviously.

And now, hearing about it, i reminisce the good times i had with Sadat...damn too many memories...

Gabri, my email is slkn_14@yahoo.com, wish i could see you and your son :) please give my regard to Marly, Shalamar, Auntie Marlene and the others. TC!

Moving out, Comin' in

2007-04-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my whole life, I'm actually out of my parent's house and living on my own. Well, partly... Let me explain...

My parent's house is in Antipolo but my work is in Ortigas so you can imagine the travel time from the house to work and back again. I've been working there for more than a year and it already has taken a toll.

After months of urging, my mom finally agreed. So here i am, living somewhere nearer but only temporarily. The house I'm living in now is owned by a friend who also lives here with his family. Since they have an extra room, they were more than willing to rent it out for me. With this, moving in helps me look for a much nearer place without worrying how will i get home.

In a month or two hopefully, i will be able to get that place.

So wish me luck!

After ten long years...

2007-04-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, i know, i know. i haven't been a good boy on updating my blog. I can give you a hundred reasons why i haven't posted but i doubt any of you will believe me. Hopefully in the next few weeks, i can tell you a little bit of everything from the time i last posted.

For now, i want to talk about how i look. If anyone who hasn't seen me for the longest time, i gained lots of weight. Mainly because i sit on my ass the whole day sitting in front of a computer, eat lunch, and then sit down again in front of the damn computer.
Where's the exercise there, people???

So anyway, i have a new girlfriend. Leah's her name. We've been together for 10 months now but no plans of getting married. But what's important is that we enjoy each other's company.

What else? Hmm...

To Ana, I'm really really sorry for not responding to your request. For some reason, i can't find a place to d/l the pix. If you want, i can give you hard of every picture i have of sadat. That is of course, you're here in manila. Please mail me you text no and i will call you.

To She, it's good to hear from you again but bad to hear the you're dream has been postponed again. Oh well...

To Cheska. OH WELL... you know what i mean =p

to vander or whoever you really are

2006-05-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ayoko mangpahiya pero if that's what you want, tara!

Vander, or whoever you are, you're really nice and all...isa sa pinakamakulit na personin RO. But the one thing that can't escape my mind is the fact that all the time, you've been lying about a lot of things.

Dude, i respect your privacy and everything and i admit doing wrong with the situation of kei before. yet the problem is, dude, you've been telling people this and that. it's like you tell someone this and another that and when both meet, they'll see the difference in story. they'll finally find out that you've been lying all the time. and it's funny, it's not just me who really got tired of all the bullshit you've been telling. marami vander.

want me to enumerate them? fine.

1. what's the big deal about you telling people that you and cheska went out years ago, then only a few months ago, cheska told me she never met you? ano yan? nagpapakitang gilas ka ba sa akin o sa mga ibang sinabihan mo? dude, it's pathetic! nagulat ako sobra when cheska told me she never met you. and it only arouse my suspicions about you way before: that you haven't been truthful to us. and i can't find any good excuse for you to lie.

if you don't remember, beta days pa yun sinabi mo dude. nung namit nating ung char nya sa morroc ruins na sinamahan mo agad. then a few days later, you told me na nagmit na pala kayo. ayus diba? and even one day, i remember when you were OL, you even said andyan sa office mo si cheska. nagpa-hi pa nga ako diba? you can't remember? eh sinong vander ang kausap ko noon? at ang nakakataka dun, it's not just me who you told na nag meet na kayo ni cheska. kaya wag ka magtaka.

it's only normal that cheska would ask us about you (and when i say us, it's not just me). she wants to know some things about you. and for some reason, she got more than what she bargained for. anu masasabi ko sa kanya aside from the fact that never ka nagpakita sa amin? wala diba? (except for kei) then she told me she has never met you. sa tingin mo, ano magiging reaction ko noon? gulat sobra! that's why she's pretty pissed. it's like you've been playing around with her all the time. eh for her naman, she doesn't really care whether you're working for this company or you're ugly or what. she only wants you to be YOU. what you really are dude. yet you didn't. i'm sorry for my rudeness pero lumabas lahat ngbaho mo. and i don't have to go with the whole barbie xu issue.

2. thad your classmate? when thad learned about this, nagulat siya. he said he never saw you up to now. and i remember you never mentioned studying where thad used to study. so how can you say thad's you classmate? and now you're say you never said that to anyone? magiimbento ba yung taong sinabihan mo noon?

3. then you said you were interviewing this model who applied to work for the company you supposedly working in but apparently i have a friend who happens to be a very good friend of that model. so my friend ask the model if she ever applied for that company. alam mo ano reaction ng model? "huh? why would i apply there? i don't even know where the office is."

4. one of the last few times we talked, you gave me an account to use. i printscreened our conversation just to make sure i got the details right. but when i tried logging in the account, wala! as in there is no such user. so ako nagulat. i double-checked the printscreen of our conversation kung tama ba ung nilagay ko. tama naman. i even asked you kung tama ung kuha ko, you even said yes. pero wala. i tried to ask a friend of mine in LUG to verify the account and found out walang ganun username talaga sa history nila. and it's funny vander, the same time you
gave me that account, thad also gave me his. at yung kanya, gumana. ano kaya yun?

meron pa yan dude. i haven't begun yet with what kei has discovered about you. and for me ever since then, i had trouble ever believing you. hindi ko na alam kung totoo ba yung sinasabi mo o nagsisinungaling ka.

sira? ano ba ang sira dude? eggie? LOL. wala nako ginawa sa likod mo kundi manira sayo? ang lupet mo dude! ako nanira sayo? ask people, the worst i said about you is mag-ingat sila sayo because hindi nyo kilala si vander, get to know him muna bago kayo mag decide or something. which is true. i told that to kei and cheska. gawain mo lang yun kasi. and now you blame me? ha! it's easy for you to blame me for what happened to cheska and you because of what happened before pero di mo ba nakikita
yung ginawa mo? it's your own undoing dude. sooner or later, people will start to realize things and be suspicious. hindi sila tanga. parang lang yung commercial eh, "lahat ng basura na tinapon mo, babalik din sayo."

one a liar, always a liar. one thing i hate about liars is that they can't keep themselves from doing what they're not suppose to do. but oh well...

enough of this nonsense. walang sense talking about it. but one thing i can tell you vander, stop trying to mislead people. tell the truth for once. you don't need to explain your side. even if you say that di ikaw yun or never mo sinabi yan. who would ever believe you? and it's not my fault anymore why.

Ho Hum...

2006-04-23T00:47:00.000-07:00

it's really funny when you have work, everything changes...the thing you used to do, you can't do anymore...not because you get tired to doing the same old things, but because you're just too tired to do anything else after work. i'm at work around 7am and get out 12 hours later...physically, i'm not tired but mentally...whew, that's something else...

a lot of people have been asking me what i do in work...well, i can't really say much but a lot has to do with medical bills and encoding...something like that...and i'm really excited about this new prospective client who came to the office this past wednesday...a bunch of executive from this american insurance company came over to see what we were doing and they were "pretty much impressed by what they saw" according to my boss...if plans goes smoothly, the company might have a new client and might expand doubly to suit the client...and i damn wish it happens!

aside from that, nothing personal really happened in my life. no love life i could describe of except the fact i have this crush in the office which i think will stay as a crush...but it's okay...guess i'm not really in a hurry for a love life right now...

friends not so much, my old friends, i rarely get to see or hear from. the only people right now i get to be with are my officemates. i missed the old groups: the GM boys, the tapat people, the blitz people and recently, the RO people. darn. i promised myself to keep in touch with most of them, if not all...yeah, sometimes it's hard to let go of old habit *wink*

to anna:

hi, i have some picture of sadat but i haven't scanned them...on my next post hopefully i can put the pics...i met pia before when she went to our old house in katipunan in the late 90s...how's she? hope she's okay...give my regard to her...tnx =)

just a chikka:

i went to gateway recently to eat at taco bell with a good friend of mine and his wife. while we were lining up, someone called my name. as i turned, i saw ryan, the bestfriend of my ex. we didn't get to talk that much but he invited to watch his play (FYI: he does workshops). i said sure. of course being me a broadway addict, i couldn't resist his offer =p sana may pera lang ako nun =p

after all this, i remember her again...how's she... =) psst paramdam ka naman =p

It's been a long time...

2006-04-01T00:40:00.000-08:00

darn...

it has been a REALLY LONG time since i last wrote in here...guess i've been really busy with my life now...

so what's been happening to me...

ever since i had work, all i could think about right now is work, work, work...no really...work has actually made a big impact in my life...and things has changed a lot...for example...the things i love to do, i don't get to do anymore...like online gaming, sleep late at night just to watch dvd and stuff, etc...

i set my priorities straight (for once!) and began to do the things i was suppose to do years ago...

and it's really funny, i love what i'm doing...and i can't ask for anything more, unless for a salary raise ahaha...

love life still is non-existent although i'm not in a hurry...my love life has been shitty and i don't think i'm ready yet for another relationship...i'm still young...but i'm confident that my time will come... ^_^

til the next time guys! see ya around!

Another year has passed...

2006-01-02T07:03:00.000-08:00

2005 is finally over. hello 2006.

before i go to the present year, let me round up my 2005.

Jan - my nephew dean had his first birthday, in the same time, his baptism...lots of people showed up and i got to bring carmen, a close friend of mine, and her little bro over the party. it was one of the last times we will be together before she became a full time FA for Emirates.

Feb - since i was single, i went through valentines with a friend. it's funny. you could still have fun in valentines even if you don't feel anything for the person. i had fun. she had fun. though we don't get to talk much since, i last heard she's having a blast with her new boyfriend.

April - i finally closed my old blog, thus closing my chapter in life with myke. i've long since gotten over her but it took me some time to finish my story. blame laziness in my part lol.

May - after almost a year in hibernation, i finally went back to the game i love playing, which is ragnarok. Hell on Earth is dead, so i decided to join my friend's guild, Sustainers of the Realm. i finally got a first taste of defending an agit during siege hehe. even though HOE is dead, i still get to contact my old members. they're all fine and i'm happy for them =)

June - through SOTR, i met ros. a week after we talke, it became us and the start of a whirlwind relationship which i doubt i can ever be in again.

July - the sudden disappearance of my very dear friend of mine, caloi. used to be, almost everyday we talk and at least once a week, we get together jus to update what was happening with our lives. the last conversation we had, which was a shock to me, he was crying. and he told me stuff that i was even more shocked to know about. the next day when i called again, i was told that he went to the province. since then, we never got to talk. i even talked to her mom about him, but she kept mum about his whereabouts. i even checked his friendster, talked to his ex, but nothing. i really miss him. i just hope he's ok wherever he is.

August - the start of the problems in my relationship with ros. even the smallest things, we fought like hell. but we managed to sort things out and stay together.

Sept - finally i get to meet ros in person when i went to bacolod. it was 3 magical days. it always is when you're with someone you love. but after coming back from there, the fights got even worse and in the 26th, she broke up with me. and more nasty things happened. this month also, myke and i finally spoke after years of no communication. i was really happy when this happened. for the first time in years, there were no shadows between us. no tensions whatsoever. we both live different lives now yet we embraced each like long lost friends do. and i thank her for helping me out with my problem with ros.

Oct - revelations in the part of ros. people came to me to tell me things about ros. the lies etc. and in almost an instance, i woke up from everything. it was all over. i began to pick up the pieces again and start my new life. in this month also, the SOTR grand eb happened. got to meet the other people. it was fun. hella fun! hehe.

Dec - 2 dear people died this month in the family. first, my dear beloved sadat, who was killed by unknown gunmen in cagayan de oro last december 18. second, just a few days ago, the father of my another dear cousin died because of heart attack. sad events aside, dec was actually fun. aside from the new life i have right now, we had inuman galores, xmas parties etc. and yeah, for the first time in years, i'm back to my old kalbo self again eheh...

this year, i'll start it like how i started it last year. no expectations whatsoever. i just live the year as how it gonna be lived. but there are some things i want to happen...

...caloi being back in the circle. damn i really miss this guy...

...get the old group back. anton, luigi, trina, carmencita, etc. these were the people i grew up with. it's really hard to change the old habit. hehe...

...though myke and i are now ok. we haven't talk in a month or so...guess she's really busy now with her life... but it's always refreshing to hear from her. :)

...finally get to study spanish...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

An article from the Sun Star regarding the death of my cousin

2005-12-11T05:54:00.001-08:00

Two soldiers perish in noontime ambush

CAGAYAN DE ORO CITY -- Two soldiers died in an afternoon ambush Sunday near a crowded department store in Cagayan de Oro.

The casualties were initially identified as Captain Paulman Sadat Hoffer Tamano and Private Nabral Barra who died on the spot after unidentified men on a car sprayed bullets at their Toyota Hilux vehicle along Mastersons Avenue near SM City.

Both were members of the Military Intelligence Battalion of the army's Fourth Infantry Division based in Camp Evangelista in Barangay Patag.

SPO1 Jayson Landar of the Carmen police said initial investigation showed that a "rido" or blood feud may have been the cause of the killings.

Tamano is a Maranao while Barra is a Tausug.

Police said the victims' vehicle was heading towards the SM mall area, Upper Carmen, at around 1 p.m. when gunmen inside a red Honda CRV appeared beside their car and fired at them.

Witnesses said the assailants disembarked from their vehicle and approached the victims' car, which had lost control and smashed into a roadside tree, apparently to finish them off.

After the incident, the assailants then went back their vehicle and speeded off, witnesses added.

Landar said their investigation on the incident was ongoing and that police still had no suspects as of Sunday afternoon.

In last night's interview over radio dxIF, Fourth Infantry Division civil-media relations officer Lieutenant Colonel Francisco Simbajon said the two victims were about to fetch their parents when the incident occurred.

He said the two victims had no known enemies and were assigned somewhere in Davao. (Sun.Star SuperBalita/With Danilo V. Adorador III/Sunnex)

Rest in peace, my dear cousin...

2005-12-11T05:54:00.000-08:00

on this day 23 years ago, my younger brother died due to heart complications. he was just 1 year old. i've always wondered what life would be like if he were alive today. maybe he's the computer, not i. maybe he's like this and that. one thing's for sure, nino boy (his nickname) will fill up that space i've been trying to look for all my life: that real brother whom i could talk to, hang out with and do the stuff i've wanted to do with him. despite having another older brother, it would've been different if he were alive.

and now, someone close to being the brother also died today. one of my most beloved cousin, sadat tamano, was killed along with his companion by unknown armed men early this afternoon when he was on his way to meet up for lunch with his mother. he was 29 years old.

i couldn't believe when i first heard it. but when i saw my mom crying, i knew it was true. it came to a shock. i didn't know how to react at the moment. sadat, that brother i always wanted, is now dead, trying to fight for what he believes is right.

for those who doesn't know sadat, he's just one of those person you just have to meet. he's tall, good-looking, and very down to earth. he went through a lot, having experienced one failure many times. he went to the philippine military academy to become a soldier yet he almost got kicked out due to his personal problems. the pressure was always at him because his older siblings were already successful. he struggled big time. even when he was in the army, he struggled to find a place and saw his former classmates getting the promotions.

yet in the end, determination found the light. he graduated as the goat of his class and caught the media's attention by escaping his superiors in graduation to say his speech in front of his class and the person who were there. enduring his struggles after the pma years, he made it by having himself assigned in mindanao, his home place to fight drugs and crime. he made lots of enemies in the underworld yet earned the respect of a lot of people. he would've been bigger if he were still alive...

but to me, sadat is my pinoy big borther. that person who always watched my back. he took care of me when he stayed with us when we were still living in quezon city. he was my partner in crime yet he was always strict with me when it came to my priorities. he taught me a lot about life. and most of all, he accepted me for who i am.

i looked again at the remaining pictures with him on it. all of them, he was shown smiling. i guess i'll never be able to see that smile again.

now, as i try to stop my tears from falling while i write this post, i think about the times sadat and i spent. why did he have to die? it's just so unfair! i didn't even get to talk to him for one last time...

i guess god has plans for him and for those whose hearts he has touched. maybe it was his time to go. maybe...

hey sadat, may you rest in peace my dear cousin. i'll always love you and treasure you with all my heart. now that you're in safe hands, take care of yourself...always...

Untitled Post

2005-11-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

i got this from the boards written by a close friend...when i first read it, i was awestruck...i had to put this in my blog...of course i got permission from the person and he asked for privacy...i edited it for it to be easier to read...here it goes...darn can't still think up of a good title for this post >_<

ano nga ba ang love para sayo? kung hindi mo to masagot, probably you didn't love anyone by heart...by words lang...madali magsabi ng i love u...sabi nga nila madali sabihin mahirap gawin...true...upon writing this thread ewan ko kung gusto ko maasar or mainsulto pero for the sake na hindi na mangyari to sa inyo, eh tutuloy ko na rin...it's been 3 years 11 months 10 days 22 hrs and 4 mins simula nung nag start kame ni *beep*, marami ring ups and downs na nangyari... but there is one time na talagang dumating sa point n nawala yung "spark" nung relationship...this year lang, akala ko nga yun na yung end ng relationship namin...kasi naging busy ako kakalaro ng ro...nung mga oras na yun, talagang nawalan ako ng tym kay *beep*...hindi kami masyado nagkikita, sandali lang kami mag usap sa fone, lahat ng pinaguusapan namin, puro ro!...naririndi na siguro sakin yun nung mga panahong yun...cguro hindi pa ako matatauhan hanggang dumating yung time na sinabi niya na ayaw na niya...iba pala yung feeling ng ganun, parang katapusan na ng mundo...narealize ko na rin naman yung mga mali ko eh...narealize ko na meron pa palang mas mahahalgang mga bagay kesa ro...

kung sino man ang nakarelate sa topic na ito, sana ngayonn pa lang kapatid maliwanagan ka na, kasi mahirap na rin magsisi sa huli...hindi rin naman natin hawak yung oras e...kung mahal mo ang isang tao, wag mo lang sabihin na mahal mo siya, ipakita mo na importante siya sayo...gumawa ka ng mga bagay na ikasisiya niya...hindi na kasi fair para dun sa taong yun na palagi na lang siya ang nagpaparaya...mahirap din umasa na akala mo mahal ka pa nung tao pero hindi na pala...napapagod din ang puso magmahal...hindi lahat ng oras pwede mo itong utusan na tumibok para sa taong pinakamamahal mo...ibig lang ipakita nito na ang lahat ng bagay ay may limitasyon...kung hindi na talaga mag wowork ang relationship niyo, better mag give up na lang kayo pareho kesa naman mag suffer ung isa...

And finally, i'm at peace

2005-10-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

for the past few day, i haven't had a real good sleep. too much has happened and some of them has been too much for me to comprehend. the issue between me and ros became a full-scale fight between my friends and hers. and i needed to do something about it.

after bringing home my friend home, i didn't want to go home. i needed to have peace in my mind. so i went to the place where i didn't want to go the most: the house of whom you see here tagging as Modista. i didn't want to go to her place for several reasons, mostly about the past. but she keep on insisted that i go see her because she wanted to show me something. in the end, i gave in.

it's been more than a year since i last saw her. the first time since the starbucks incident. and here she is now, looking very different, very full. she hugged me and i too half-heartedly and she talked about her life since we last saw each other. i didn't say much. then she showed the bomb.

in her desk there were 2 folders. she gave me the folders to look at. i glanced a bit at each folder and found they consist the personal history of ros and bans. not surprisingly, they both had similar lives. then i look at her and ask how she got them. she just smiled and told me she had more. she then opened her pc and in one of her folders. in the folder consists of archives of convesations of ros and bans, even conference conversations with other people, dating back to early september, even before my bacolod trip.

i was shocked. "how the hell did you get this?!" i asked.

she just smiled and said, "let's just say being the daughter of a very powerful man can get her way very easily."

she encouraged me to read on. since the conversations were somewhat long, she managed to highlight the important stuff. after 30mins of scanning, i finally got what i was looking for the past few days: the whole truth. i won't go out and blurting anymore what i found out. all i can say is that 80% of what they told me was true. yet that 20% that they both lied about is what meant the most. and it hurt. big time.

after reading, i was almost in tears. i looked up to Modista and found her looking at me.

"what do you want me to do, eggie?" she asked.

i shook my head but said nothing.

she put a hand on my shaking shoulder and gently asked the question again.

after a long awkward silence, i said to her, "don't do anything. at least now i know the truth." i immediately stood up and walked straight out. she was surprised by my movement and hurried beside me. she held my arm to stop. i turned to her angrily and shouted, "if these things ever come out, ikaw sasagot sa akin!"

she paused, not knowing what to say. in tears, she was pleading for me to say something. i sighed heavily. my anger disappered almost immediately and said, "you don't need to do anything anymore. you've done more than what you're suppose to do. and you just leave it there. don't go on destroying other peoples lives for my sake because it's not worth it. even ros and bans don't deserve this kind of bashing."

she slowly nodded and let go of my arms. i got out of the house and went into my car. finally i know the whole truth but now what? i was too tired to fight anymore. i wanted peace in my mind.

for some reason, i called up another person i haven't seen for years: my old high school teacher. a priest, he always had his way of dealing with problems of his old students, including myself. and the instance, i knew he was the person to talk to.

in 15mins, i was already in my high school alma mater. i found my old friend and mentor waiting for me outside his dormitory. he welcomed me with open arms, just as he always did. after the warm hug, he lead me to his room and once inside, i poured my heart out, telling him everything about what happened, from the time it became us to what happened in Modista's house this morning. he listened to me with sincerity.

after the long story, he asked, "so what do you want to do about it, eggie?"

i shook my mind, "father, i don't really know. right now, i'm feeling numb. i don't know from what. maybe from hurt, maybe from anger, i don't know. i finally learned the truth and for some reason, i wasn't happy."

then i raised my voice, "it's really unfair father! all during the relationship, i loved her with all my heart, did everything to make the relationship work, and now this? i was treated by shit by this girl and she lied. and what's worse, she denied she was lying. and here comes bans and he lied too and it really frustrated me! what did i do to deserve this father? what?!"

he remained calm and just said no.

"see even you agree with me!"

"but eggie, you have to remember that even what they did was wrong, they are still people. they still make mistakes. and they won't admit they're wrong because of how they lived their lives, especially ros, who had to go through a great deal and fight her way back, even if it means doing something wrong. she cannot afford to let her guards down because once she does, she's doomed."

"bans based of what you told me also experienced the same thing, but not as worse as ros. but you have to remember that even before, he still loved her. you can't blame him for feeling that way. and he will only do things to protect ros, even, as i said awhile ago, if they are wrong."

"but it doesn't mean they can get away with it. sooner or later, they will have to deal with it. it's up to their conscience now whether they want to admit mistake or not. but if they don't, they will have to bear with it."

a long silence proceeded. he let me divulge what he just said. and he then asked, "is it in your heart now to forgive both of them?"

i sighed. "i can't now father. everything's still too fresh."

he smiled. "it's ok. forgiveness will come sooner or later. right now, what you need to do is look inside yourself and see what you want to do now."

after he said that, he stood up, and ask me to follow him to the prayer room. as we went in, two of his assistants came out of nowhere and stood beside him. my old friend turned around and ask me to kneel down and so i did. we then prayed...for a very long time. by the time we finished, i already knew what to do...that is to write this post. to finish this...

to ros and bans: i'm greatly disappointed on both of you. but i don't blame you for telling me the real truth. you love each other and both of you had to protect what you had. but it doesn't mean i've forgiven both of you, especially you, ros. you don't need to defend or explain your side because now, i already know. you don't need to apologize. let this be a lesson for both of you. my conscience is clear now and i'm at peace. i wish for both of you a very happy relationship.

to my friends and ros and bans' friends: although i cannot stop you, i simply ask you to refrain from saying anything anymore. it's not helping for both parties. and if this continues, someone will get hurt in real...or someone's life will get destroyed. that's why i ask you please. stop whatever you're doing. ros and i have moved on and very want peace from this. it's up to us already. but thanks for the support all of you have given us.

this will be the last time i'll ever mention about this issue...no need to do anything anymore 'cause i've done all i need to do...

A Letter to Ros, and to All

2005-10-12T04:37:00.000-07:00

since you have no guts to talk to me personally, i decidedly to post this in my blog. for some reason, you can't resist not taking a peek on what i say here.

first of all, leave bans out of the issue. what i got really pissed is the fact you were not honest about everything. when we had that long conversation a few days after we talked, i believed you for the reasons you told me that night. but when more and more people told me about this and that, (they even have proof to back up what they said, and yes even bans told me something that i got pissed about) i began to question your honesty.

i don't really mind that you and bans got back together. i knew it was bound to happen. i even encouraged bans to get back to you because it was obvious that there was something going on between the two of you. but do i blame bans for falling for you again? no. he was never at fault. unless bans was being dishonest himself.

in a relationship, there will always be conflicts. fights will turn out, in the end either you kiss and make up or you go different ways. and it happened between us. but what you failed to do ros was be honest. yes, you said you lost the feeling long before we broke up. then how come you didn't take that chance when the opportunity was there when we had that super big fight after the bacolod trip? why did you try to hide the real reasons and instead come up with lame excuses? isn't that fair for me? or were you just thinking about yourself and just leave me in the dirt?

it would've been better if you ended it earlier than it happened. you could've said it straight face to me that you wanted out. yes i would've been mad but at least i know that you're honest.

and yes i did move on already. but just hearing what that friend of mine said in text (read it again if you can't remember), and from what other people had said, who wouldn't get mad at what i found out? it just shows that how insensitive and dishonest you are. and sorry for being blunt, but you are pathetic at its worst.

and i'm sorry, i don't believe what you posted. even in your words, i see no sincerity in them. do you want to know how to be really sorry? realize your mistakes ros. as far as i can see, you haven't. you just apologized for the sake of ending the issue. you don't have to say sorry again. it just won't mean anything. realize and accept your mistakes. and you will be forgiven.

and don't even try to explain yourself again. it won't do anything to justify your actions.

i have nothing else to say. realize and accept your mistakes ros. no decent guy deserves to be treated like what you did to me. even bans in this matter, who you also fooled before. don't try to clean yourself from the issue because you were at fault and still you don't want to admit it. do you really understand what the issue is? and please, don't try to stray out of the topic. you're just making things worse for you. and yes, GROW UP!

how low can you get!

2005-10-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

just this evening someone texted me about ros...i erase the message but i'll try to write it down as i remember...

"...nagpakasal si lake at si fallen nung sabado after siege...tapos sabi pa niya na si fallen talaga yung rason kaya nakipagbreak siya sayo...gusto ko lang malaman yun kasi ayoko na ginagawa kang tanga sa sitwasyon na to..."

NOTE: lake = ros, fallen = bans, her ex-bf before me

and all fell into place. all these time, she lied to me. she vehemently denied that fallen was the reason. she also denied the fact she admitted to fallen that she still had feelings for him, misunderstanding kuno in the part of fallen, which fallen countered everything he admitted to me was true...instead, made some lame excuses why she wanted out. then i replied to my friend...

"...thanks...it just shows how low can she get..."

her reply...

"hay talaga naman si lake, ayaw pa sabihin sayo ung totoong dahilan...pinaikot ka pa...hayaan mo na lang siya..."

yup, that's what i did. i left her alone. all the more i feel sad and pity for her. for she became very low and desperate to get what she wanted. i'm not mad about the guy although i question him, kung ginago na siya (which she did in their past relationship) dati din ni ros, why come back? bans is a nice guy but i guess that's what he wanted...he denied to himself he wanted it but eventually he did...but if he's happy with that, so be it...

yeah it sucks big time...i never wanted to admit it but i was fooled big time...i wanted to think i didn't waste 4 months of my time but i'm doing so...but i guess that's ros for you...she'll do anything to get what she wants...she's a liar and a hypocrite...she treated me like i was a dirt but she herself was one...

and for this, i rest my case...

another chapter folds

2005-10-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

everything will come to an end...even with my relationship with ros...

ros and i are finally over...

there wont be a second part...it's just a first part and that's it...

we talked after we broke up. i wanted to learn some things. we opened up, bent our frustrations on each other, and tried to understand each other. in the end, we both got what we wanted and ended any possible idea that we could ever be back together. we both have our faults.

yet for my part, i wasn't really satisfied as much as i wanted. there were still some things i wanted to know but she wouldn't say. but i didn't push it on, knowing pursuing it would be fruitless.

but for some reason, when i woke up after that conversation, i couldn't feel for her anything anymore. i finally lost that reason why i held on to everything during our relationship: love. it's as if everything i felt for her before went flushing out of my system. then just like that, i don't love her anymore. and i finally admitted to myself that i'll never be the kind of guy she wants. nor can she change me to become what she wants me to be.

but don't get me wrong. i wouldn't say i wasted 4 months of my life with ros. i didn't. i loved her with all my heart and i felt the same way from her too. we've had the best of times during the first 2 months before having the turbulent times which ended our relationship. yeah i felt being loved. ros showed me that.

ros is not a bad person. she has so many good traits. it just that her bad side got the worst of her. yet still, she's a survivor. she always has and always will be. and maybe that's the reason i fell for her at the start. that she's one hell of a survivor. and she'll survive this. maybe even faster than i did.

now, as i write this post, i began to reminicse again about the good times i had with ros. the dating in ragnarok, the ym chats, the ragnarok marraiges, my trip to bacolod, my conversation with her mom, the fights, everything that i could remember. it's sad that it had to end but it was for the best.

another chapter of my life has finally come to a close...yet so many chapters has yet to happen...

Angels or Devils
Dishwalla

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

what now for me?

2005-09-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

it's been 24hrs since we broke up...and awhile ago, a cloud of darkness surrounded me. i was lost...i came close to blaming myself again for losing a loved one...and i cried...

it always hurt when you lose someone you love, esp when you have so much more to give. when things end in an abrupt way, you tend to think of things...why did it have to end? what did i do wrong? what the hell went wrong?! in my case, the same thing happened. so many questions and so few answers. i desperately needed to clarify things for me to be liberated from the pain and confusion.

then i got what i needed. friends either called me up or talked to me when i was online. they comforted me, gave me advice and made me realize some things. even those i don't know even that much helped me a lot. some even said, "it's not you who's the problem. it's her. you've done what you can eggie and there's no more you should do." it took a pounding to make me realize that. but i did. and i thank my friends for giving me that.

my only regret is when ros and i got to talk again. she didn't like me posting our conversation in my blog. yet i told her to leave me alone and fix her life. now i don't know if we'll ever be in speaking terms again.

then again, ros and i have issues. issues where i don't think will be brought up again unless she brings down her pride and open her mind. i'll always be there for her when she's ready to talk, altho i won't make the first move. i'll only talk to her if she's in the right mind and when she's mature enough to admit her mistakes. i'm not saying that i was right. i did have my share of mistakes and deeply regretted all of them. but then again, if she doesn't want to talk, it's ok with me. i wish her the best.

do i still love her? love her in a way that i want her to be happy. but love her, you know, i don't know. too much has happened and there's still that coldness in me that can't get out of my system. time will only tell...

as for ros, she'll make it through. she always have. and that's good. now i only wish that she'll learn from her mistakes and be happy with her life...

"i came, i gave my best...but i failed...yet so much i have learned...and thanks to everyone, i am recovering..." - eggie, 3:38AM, tues, sept 27...

and then it happened

2005-09-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

note: slkn_07 = me, lake_367 = ros

lake_367: m sorry eggie its not working out
lake_367: hayz
slkn_07: i dont rly know y we had to fight
slkn_07: ang sakit tlga ros
slkn_07: parang lumabas ako may kasalanan ng lahat
lake_367: y?
slkn_07: y did u get mad at the 1st place?
slkn_07: may mali ba sa gnawa ni fallen at nes?
lake_367: nothing
slkn_07: den y did u get mad?
slkn_07: dhl ngselos ka?
slkn_07: den u put the blame on me
slkn_07: ganun ba ako syo ros?
lake_367: wat do u mean?
slkn_07: lht nlng ng ngyari, ako nlng may kasalanan
lake_367: sinabi ko ba yun
lake_367: i think we jus nid a break frm each oder
lake_367: lagi na lng away eh
slkn_07: un nga eh
slkn_07: and wats bad abt it
slkn_07: ung mga away
slkn_07: di na dapat pinagaawayan
slkn_07: ang sakit ros
slkn_07: all i ever wanted from u
slkn_07: was to realize that im more dan a person who u jst be in ro
slkn_07: im a person who wants to be wid u for the rest of ur life
slkn_07: i love u too damn mch
slkn_07: and i went too far just to make us hapen
slkn_07: if u ask me if i wanted to break up
slkn_07: id stil say no
slkn_07: kaya naman eto
slkn_07: but il liv it up to u
slkn_07: u know wer i stand
slkn_07: i dont want to lose u
slkn_07: but just to show how mch i love u
slkn_07: il let u go
slkn_07: uv given me something that i realize wats so important to me
slkn_07: and dats to love myself again
slkn_07: u showed me wat it is to love
slkn_07: and just for dat ros
slkn_07: minahal kta sobra
slkn_07: forget abt the fights
slkn_07: the petty quarels
slkn_07: deyr all parts of the relationship
lake_367: hayz
slkn_07: if u want to choose that path ros
slkn_07: i wont stop u
slkn_07: but always remember that i love u
slkn_07: and will never stop
slkn_07: til the time i know uv got another to love
lake_367: tnx po
lake_367: lets jus hav a cool off muna
lake_367: m not gona c any1
slkn_07: its ur life baby
lake_367: kahit kusapin mo pa ako araw araw
slkn_07: u can see anyone u want
lake_367: no ayaw ko
slkn_07: ros
slkn_07: do u rly want to do dis?
lake_367: naguguluhan na kc ako eh
lake_367: lagi na lng away n i dnt wana hurt u
lake_367: let me fix myself 1st
lake_367: m not dis bitchy namn eh i think
slkn_07: u r not naman tlga eh
lake_367: kya nga pahinga muna
slkn_07: tel me 1st
slkn_07: bkt ka naguguluhan
slkn_07: and pls be honest to me
lake_367: kc lagi na lng away baka maging war freak na ako
lake_367: i wana fix myself 1st
slkn_07: di ko kaya ros
slkn_07: naiiyak nko dto
lake_367: eggieeee
lake_367: huy
slkn_07: wat do u want me to do???
lake_367: wag
lake_367: dnt cry
slkn_07: taena ang sakit tlga
lake_367: pls
lake_367: pa lvl tau?
slkn_07: no
lake_367: cool off namn eh it wil do us good
lake_367: i dnt wana b bitchy always
lake_367: malay mo selos ako kay myke kusap mo eh
slkn_07: and to think of all the things iv told her abt u
slkn_07: how great u wer
slkn_07: how i love it wen i was der
slkn_07: no ros
slkn_07: pasensya na
slkn_07: di ko lng matanggap tlga na dumating na tyo sa gan2ng panahon
lake_367: kaya nga it wud b best 2 cool off muna
lake_367: b4 it gets worse think abt it
slkn_07: we cudve alway talked things out
slkn_07: we may hav so mch diffs
slkn_07: but wat the heck?
slkn_07: we still made it thru
slkn_07: just liv me alone ros
slkn_07: just let me cry all i want now
lake_367: we wont f we kip on fyting pls understand
slkn_07: den so be it
slkn_07: u hav ur freedom
slkn_07: now pls liv me alone
slkn_07: and let me cry
lake_367: hay ok

its wat she wants...i cant stop her from doin it...even if i ddnt want to...

i dont know wat now for me...hay buhay tlga...

Change

2005-09-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

We're okay now...although deep inside me, something changed in me...before we actually mend things, she said the harshest words to me...she wanted me to take back the words/changes i saw in her...and i did...because i was already too tired to fight back...i wanted things fixed...

ros has changed a lot ever since i met her...sure i may be stereotyping or something or i don't know her as much as i should be, but the change in her was too glaring...used to be, we had so much fun being together, but lately, it was more about issues, most of them not related to our relationship...

after we fixed things, i felt numb...i couldn't find the reason why i was sticking to her, fighting for what i believe in...i began to question myself...if i still love her...i saw the worst of ros...and it's more than what i've ever experienced with my exes. it's was too much for me to handle, but i survived.

a friend of mine said not to give up. i'm trying not to. i've gone too far, sacrificed too much to give up now. and i don't want to. another said to tolerate her behavior, which i am doing. i let her be. if she's happy with her life now, then i fully support it. i lowered my pride just to give in to her. despite of our differences, i always adjusted to her. it's hard. it's hella hard!

then last friday, after we got back, she texted me...

i'm so sorry eggie. i'm sorry for hurting you. you're much more important than ragnarok.

i smiled.

guess back to square 1 for us...

In Limbo

2005-09-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

i am in limbo. i thought i'd never feel this way again but right now, i do.

ros and i have been fighting for the past 3 days...for the slightest of things which i won't divulge. whenever i try to reason out with her, she always say, "oo na ikaw na parati tama!"

what the hell did i do wrong?! for the past 3 months have been the greatest of joy for me yet the past 3 days have been pure hell. and i don't know what to do. but i'm trying my best to save the relationship we have. who wouldn't if you love her that much?

for her, her life is ragnarok. no one can take that away from her, not even me. but it's ok with me. i try to adjust my time to be with her, even if i don't have the same love for the game. but what's bad with this is because our ragnarok life seems to be controlling our real life. and it sucks big time.

she has changed in a lot of ways. she's not the same person i used to know. but i still love her for who she is. yet when i try to reach out, she pushing me back. and i don't know why.

maybe the long distance relationship has taken its toll. or maybe our differences have been too much to handle for both of us. or maybe...she's keeping something from me which she's too ashamed of telling me.

i have my faults and i deeply regretted hurting her. yet i can't do it alone. i need her cooperation too. yet she's not giving it to me. she'd rather go out and do her own stuff...without ever trying to fix the problems we're having.

my friends say just leave her alone for now. she might need some space. i agree. but i want to clarify things with her before i leave. i want to hear from her what is wrong with us, what's really bothering her.

and god-willing, i want her to be happy again.

it's MAR all over again...

Just love this song...

2005-08-26T00:52:00.000-07:00

Sleeps With Butterflies
Tori Amos

Airplanes
take you away again
Are you flying
above where we live
Then I look up
a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I’m not but
I like rivers that
rush in
so then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
for you the acrobat
I won’t push you
unless you have a net

You say the word
you know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don’t mind
I don’t hold on
to the tail of your kite
I’m not like the girls that you’ve known
But I believe I’m worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with Butterflies
with Butterflies
so go on and fly then
boy

Balloons
look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble
upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere

I’m not like the girls that you’ve known
But I believe I’m worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with Butterflies
with Butterflies
with Butterflies
so go on and fly boy

One Bad Memory

2005-08-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

some of my friends call me "Man-whore" ever since they found out about what happened to me last christmas. i kept this incident to myself because what happened was so embarrassing to myself and somehow lowered my self-esteem. but now, what the heck?!

before going to that incident itself, a little history. i work in the family business (as most of you know) and one of our suppliers had a liking for me. she would bring me food and always ask me out, though i politely accepted the food and politely declined her invitations to go out on a date.

what's making me stop from dating her? for 1 very good reason. she is MARRIED. yes she is. she's 10 years older than i am and has a kid who's just a few years younger than i am. that changed when something went wrong and i was ask to ask her out. (don't ask why) so because of that, we started going out on dates.

now here's where our story starts. on the fifth date, we went to watch a movie.then after the movie, sharon (not her real name) invited me to go to her house. i hesitated at first. i didn't want to go because of several reasons, including the possibility that sex MIGHT happen. but just after her constant nagging made me agree to go home with her.

when we got to her house, i hesitated again and ask where was her husband and son.

they might be there, you know. i said.

sharon smiled and said, darling, my husband is out of the country and won't be home 'til next year and carlo (not his real name) is out with the barkada on a trip. so don't worry about it.

i sighed heavily and went in reluctantly. in my mind, i was praying nothing will happen. i was dead wrong. she then changed to her night clothes and got 2 glasses and a bottle of JW Black Label (which was my first time to drink). she poured it whole and ask me to drink it. so i did, stupid me. having a light tolerance against alcohol, i was almost immediately tipsy after gulping a whole glass of it.

then it happend. (duh as if you guys don't know =p)

after it happend, i was suddenly sober, sensing that we were both naked and all. i checked that clock and saw it was already 5am. i quickly rose from the bed and dressed up to go home. she awoke and invited me to stay for some more. but i was already fuming mad. i left her in a instant. in an hour, i was already home. (talk about fast driving! from paranaque to antipolo)

when i got to my room, i was already dead tired. i change into bed clothes and i checked my stuff if i didn't leave anything at sharon's house.

then i checked my wallet, i was surprised that there was P3000 worth of case and a note...from her. the note said, "thanks for the night. you were a good lay."

WTF?! i was so pissed off and called her up that instant and told her i didn't appreciate what she did. she just merely replied, you might need the money. i shouted at her for thinking that way of me. in the end, she apologized and the next work day, i returned her money back. and i vowed to myself never to go out with her anymore. although, she still nags me from time to time...

The rocker meeeeee!!!!

2005-07-21T04:32:00.000-07:00

i'm a rocker for life! hehe. ever since i was a kid, i've always loved rock. being influence by my rocker sister, i grew up to love bon jovi, guns n' roses, van halen etc. then i discovered NU107 and stuck to listening to the station for years.

now i grew older and appreciate light rock more and transferred to 103.5 K-LITE. i love the music they play. light and cool hehe.

here's another test i found in the same site where i found what kind of kisser i am. and this is the result of my test. try it. you may find what kind of rocker you are.

You Are an Indie Rocker!

You are in it for the love of the music...
And you couldn't care less about being signed by a big label.
You're all about loving and supporting music - not commercial success.
You may not have the fame and glory, but you have complete control of your career.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Collide

2005-07-12T04:43:00.000-07:00

Ros and i had a fight last night. a very petty one which i wouldn't go to details yet i was the one at fault. i was being selfish and immature about the situation. yet fortunately for me, she was very understanding. she tried to patch up things as soon as possible and gave me the space when i wanted to. this morning, she even called me up just to make sure we were okay.

i felt really bad about everything. it shouldn't had happen but it did. yet ros, being the understanding and loving girlfriend she is, she took everything in stride and made things as it's suppose to be. i love her for that and i'm truly lucky to have her.

ironically, before she called up, a very nice song from one of my favorite band was being played in the radio. and the lyrics of the song exactly tell how our emotions go out of control when we fight. that we must control our emotions and not rage come out. in the end, love will conquer it all.

hope you'll like it as much as i do.

Collide
Dishwalla

When I came here there was more.
Now I've come back to destroy,
And I've got nothing left,
And it's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love,
And it's a place I can not go,
Anymore.

When we collide we lose ourselves.
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake.
When we collide,
We break.

When the cold comes crashing down,
And the fight lost what it's about.
I could tell that you'd left.
It's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love.
It's a place I can not go,
Anymore.

When we collide we lose ourselves.
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake.
When we collide,
When we collide.

It's a hard mistake,
When we collide.

It's a mistake,
When we collide we lose ourselves,
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake,
When we collide,
When we collide.

It's a hard mistake,
When we collide, we break,
We break

Bamboo's new song

2005-07-11T06:14:00.000-07:00

i've been a fan of bamboo manalac for a long time. from the time he was still with rivermaya and even up to now with his new band, bamboo, he still rocks. fortunately for me, one of my close friends used to be part of the original rivermaya group, when perf de castro was still there, and rico blanco wasn't.

one day, my friend came to visit me when i was still in the office. bamboo's second album finally came out and he brought his own copy. in the new album, 10 songs are found. and one of them happend to be written by my very own friend. but when i looked into the cover to look for my friend's name, i couldn't find it so i asked about it

Eggie (e): dude, bakit wala yung name mo doon sa album? dapat ilagay yung name mo dahil ikaw nagsulat.
Caloi (c): pare, kasi bago manager ng bamboo. ang gusto ng bagong manager nila na lahat ng kanta, whether sinulat nila o ng iba, sa kanila nakapangalan.
E: bakit naman ganun? paano yung royalty mo whenever they sell an album? syempre copyright mo yan eh
C: di lang basta basta ganun sa music industry pare. mahirap i-explain pero madami ng cases na ganun talaga. tingin ko nga di alam ni bamboo na sinulat ko ito. as for me, i don't really mind. si nathan (azarcon, bassist of bamboo) yung nagbabayad sa akin to write the songs.
E: ok...

i don't really get the point. i mean, my friend deserve more than that. but if he insist that way, i guess it's really ok for him.

what song was i talking about in the album? well, it's actually my favorite track in the album. it's called I-U. hope you'll like it. baby, this one's for you

I-You
Bamboo

Pain
Leads to freedom
It's everyone's opinion
not my own

Fame
Crystal Kingdom
It's everybody's mission
not my own

Just an optimist
Who's become a little cynical
Under gloom
Don't be afraid
Love is stronger than it all
Stronger than this soul divided

(chorus)
All these years i never really knew what love is
Til i found you...found you
(repeat)

This new faith where the altar is the bed
Where the church feels like a motel room
Where gold turns to lead
Hello
Do you believe
Love is stronger us all
Stronger than two worlds colliding

I-you burn like fire from below sears the flesh feed the soul desire
I-you stronger than before rising through the dust like a phoenix

(repeat chorus)
(instrumental)
(repeat I-you...)
(repeat chorus)

Is this the kind of kisser i am? o_O

2005-07-06T02:26:00.000-07:00

found this site through another friend's blog =) so i answered a test and this is what came out hehe...

Part Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance
You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea
The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood
It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Blitz Krieg no more

2005-06-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

last June 18, Blitz Krieg, the network gaming shop where i used play games like counter strike, neopets and ragnarok, operated for the final time. it came to a shock to all those who made it their own tambayan, and those who grew up playing there, including myself.

Blitz Krieg is not your ordinary nextwork gaming shop. the price, for one, is rather expensive (50/hr for members, 60/hr for non-member) but we didn't care much of the price. it was the ambience, the overall comforts it brings to us. it was the only network gaming shop that i know that allows to smoke inside. they also offer unlimited drink with not just 1 selection (orange, iced tea, lemonade, and used to be before they took it off, iced coffee). the monitors were big, the mouse was optic, and playing area is so nice. i don't think i could find one that could match that shop's interior.

at it's height, Blitz Krieg was always jam packed, especailly at night. and yes even on week nights. if you go there at 10pm, it was almost sure you'd get a seat only after an hour. several celebrities also hang out there like Don Allado, the Turvey twins, and yes, even Aubrey Miles used to hang out there when she wasn't famous yet.

in Blitz, i got to meet lots of friends. friends whom until now share the same passion in gaming. some of them disappeared, but others like Caloi, Roy, Trina and Jun, we still keep in touch no matter what.

yeah, there have been lots of memories in that place. too much memories i guess. hopefully in time, we could find another shop like that.

poem

2005-06-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

ros asked me to write a poem for her. so i did. though having the inspired feeling, i really had a hard time composing one, mainly because there's so much to write for just one poem. so what i did, i got this kinda old composition of mine and edited it that fitted the first time i saw her. so here it is. enjoy!

Rosalyn

An angelic face looks up

Stares

Then a small curve forms from her lips

Her brown eyes narrow

Expoiting her long, curled lashes

Her breathing relaxed

Giving a feeling of contentment,

A look of acceptance,

And an aura of serenity

Life is given another chance

For her smile gave another chance to be alive

The darkness overshadowed by light

Enlightenment wraps her fingers around those nearby,

Scatters the peacefulness that emanates from her,

And mystifies one that could feel her presence...

And for once

She is God

=) =) =)

2005-06-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

i can't really describe this feeling i have now. i haven't felt this way for a very long time. and i'm loving it.

for almost a month now i've been like this. and i hope it would never stop. ros has been the best thing that ever happened to me. she's great. she's sweet. and she loves and appreciates me for who i am. i mean, what more could i ask? she has everything i wanted in a girl. and she gives me a reason why to smile again.

whenever she and i are together, it just seems magical. we don't really care what around us, but we just care about each other. we just love each others company.

my friends has been commenting about this positive change in me. that they've never seen me this happy for a long time, that my aura has been bright, etc. and i thank ros for that. she has been the reason for all of these.

i love you baby. this one's for you =)

You And Me
Lifehouse

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothing to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

i've been knocked off my feet =)

2005-05-21T04:02:00.000-07:00

one of my favorite songs of all times is the song Knocks Me Off My Feet. i've heard three versions of it (Stevie Wonder, which is the original version, Tevin Campbell, and Donell Jones) and all are great! i love all three of them =)

but if i were to choose which of the three versions i like best, i'd choose the Donell Jones version. i love the slow beat together with his smooth voice. makes me want to fall in love again haha...

anyway here's the lyrics

Knocks Me Off My Feet
Donell Jones

Verse 1

I see us in the park
strolling the summer days
of imaginings in my head
And words from my heart
told only to the wind
Felt even without being said

B-Section

I don't wanna bore you with my troubles
But there's something 'bout your love
That makes me weak and knocks me off my feet
There's something 'bout your love
That makes me weak and knocks me off my feet
Knocks me off my feet

Chorus

I don't wanna bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
I don't wanna bore you with it
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you
More and more

Verse 2

We lay beneath the stars under a lover's tree
That seems through the eyes of my mind
I reach out for the part of me that lives in you
That only our two hearts can find

B-Section

But I don't wanna bore you with my troubles, yeah
I don't wanna bore you with my troubles
But there's something 'bout your love
That makes me weak and knocks me off my feet
There's something 'bout your love
That makes me weak and knocks me off my feet
Knocks me off my feet

Chorus-out

The return of the comeback

2005-05-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

okay okay...

now i have a new blog. despite of what i said in my old blog, i still made a new one...the same day i deleted the old one.

what made me make this new one? well, i guess i can never stop writing. i love to write. you should see my scrapbook where i put down everything. from poems to letters to no one to notes...even weekly reports of what has been happening to me...

like the old one, i have to so many things to write in this blog...but so little time...but i promise to try my best to write everything...can't help it...just love to write =)

oh well...

o_O

2005-05-07T04:10:00.000-07:00

just checking...